Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Voluptua's brainpower

Once again my dear friend Voluptua, the dazzling supermodel, is keeping me company while Jenny gads off to York and Barcelona on academic business.

And once again she's fuming at the hacks. "The arseholes still think all models are airheads. They make me sick. For f***'s sake, I've got a degree in modern languages, I'm a member of Mensa and I've got a private pilot's licence. What more do they want?"

She was striding up and down the sweltering conservatory in her four inch stilettoes, leaving a trail of crumbs from her blueberry and cinnamon muffin.

"And what am I reading? 'Positionality in the postcolonial African narrative.' I ask you, does that make me an airhead?"

"No, just pretentious, sweetie. Anyway, who cares about these media morons? They wouldn't recognise an original idea if it flew into them. They just love a string of clich├ęs, the longer the better."

But Voluptua was miles away. She was consumed with rage, tearing the menu for Pronto Takeaway Pizzas into smaller and smaller pieces. I couldn't take my eyes off her astonishingly tight T shirt.

"And now the politicos are stalking me as well. They all want to be seen with me. They think they'll look cool and trendy if they're hobnobbing with a famous supermodel. Pathetic. As if I'd be seen dead with those lying, egocentric careerists. They don't give a toss about ordinary people, they just want to line their own pockets. But they won't leave me alone. Gordon would love to meet you. David has always admired you. Give me a break."

Her tantalising breasts were heaving seductively under her T shirt. I did my best to concentrate on what she was saying. My head was spinning and my heart was racing.

"Nicky darling, are you listening to me? You look a bit distracted."

"I was just envying your exceptional intelligence, Vol sweetie."

"Of course you were."

Pic: Voluptua pretending to be camera-shy

Thursday update: All British flights are cancelled today because of the volcanic ash from Iceland. Jenny has rebooked her return flight from Manchester for tomorrow. Lucky me, another night of fun-filled frolics with Ms Voluptua....

17 comments:

Baino said...

Haha .. eyes 'up' there 'Nicky'! You get into so much trouble when Jenny's away!

Nick said...

Baino - I know, I try to be a good boy but temptation is thrown at me....

Wisewebwoman said...

A superficial lad at heart, I always knew it....
XO
WWW

Nick said...

www - I just can't help myself when such physical perfection is flaunted so brazenly.

kylie said...

i dont like voluptua

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nick, have you still not realized that Voluptua is Jenny in disguise? She does that to find out what you're up to when she's not around, you know, and You Are In Trouble Now.

Nick said...

Kylie - Goodness, you're the first person to say that. I must admit, the way she leaves crumbs everywhere and never sweeps them up is very irritating....

Heart - Jenny in disguise? No no, that's not possible, I would recognise her. I think. Don't tell me she's going to lock me in the garden shed again until I repent of my sins.

Scarlet Blue said...

Pah! See, she may be clever but she doesn't know how to use a dyson crevice attachment.
This takes real skill.
Sx

Nick said...

Scarlet - A Dyson crevice attachment? Oh, she's been using that for months. And very exciting it is, I can tell you.

Rummuser said...

Nick, I shall send you an email to show you that you are in very good company. I don't somehow think that it will be much appreciated if I place the content here!

Nick said...

Ramana - Oh, very mysterious. I await your email with tingling anticipation. Though if it's too rude, I may need to avert my gaze.

meno said...

You are funny!

Nick said...

Meno - So is Voluptua when she's in one of her steaming rages. Which is quite frequently.

Grannymar said...

Looks like our airports are closed today!

You mind those crumbs Nick, they are always a tell tale sign!

Nick said...

Grannymar - Goodness yes, I must get the Hoover out as soon as Voluptua's gone. The lingering traces of perfume are a bit tricky though.

Kate said...

ooops ... how on earth do you find the time to write with Volupta around!!!?

Nick said...

Easy. I rattled out my next post while Voluptua was busy with her daily depilation routine....