Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Who'd be a mummy?

A TV company is planning to mummify someone recently dead on-screen and then exhibit the mummy. To which I can only ask, who on earth would want to be mummified?

Certainly not me. I wouldn't want a bunch of gung-ho embalmers ripping out my innards, shoving strange chemicals into me, drying me out and wrapping me in bandages. We're put through quite enough undignified procedures while we're alive, thanks very much.

What's the point anyway except some gruesomely watchable TV that'll be a feather in some producer's cap? Or the chance for someone to tear off the bandages in a thousand years' time and say "Blimey, she was in a bad way all right. Just look at that cellulite."

A good job mummifying isn't routine. If I died, Jenny would have to find a place for my pickled body in the living room. She'd have to explain who it was under all the bandages. "Oh that's Nick, by the way. Take no notice, he's quite harmless." Every morning she'd give me a once-over with the feather duster.

And what a strange word that is, mummified. Meaning lifeless, inert, inanimate. Not many real-life mummies, run off their feet trying to do a dozen things at once, would feel remotely "mummified". Horrified maybe at all the stuff still on the to-do list.

The correct word for lying there doing nothing for a very long time is of course "daddified".

17 comments:

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You neglected to mention one tiny little insignificant detail, Nick. Will the person selected to be mummified on television be DEAD? I learned a long time ago not to take anything for granted.

I love the image of Jenny going over you with a feather duster, and I have to agree - you would make quite the conversation piece. But I would much rather converse WITH you than about you.

kylie said...

this post is just an excuse for y ou to talk about being rubbed over with feathers

Nick said...

Heart - Yes, indeed, they're looking for a volunteer who's terminally ill. I've amended the post to make that clear!

I hope the feather duster wouldn't be too ticklish....

Kylie - You saucy little minx. How did you know my secret obsession?

Grannymar said...

Definitely an excuse for jenny to tickle your fancy!

Nick said...

Grannymar - These comments are not going in quite the direction I anticipated....

Leah said...

Hah! Renegade naughty comments! That is too funny. But I must admit, the bit about the feather duster caught my eye as well...

Megan said...

I...I...

Nick said...

Leah - Now come on, children, pull yourself together and stop misbehaving right now. Or there'll be no cupcakes for tea.

Megan - Don't be shy, just let it all out, you know it'll do you good....

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh how can any of us be serious when you're soooo looking forward to Jenny in the French maid's outfit doing her special with the duster?
We can read you like an open book, my lad!
XO
WWW

Rummuser said...

The widow of dead soldier in Afghanistan was asked whether she wanted her late husband cremated or burried. She replied, "cremate and burry the ashes. Don't take any chances."

Nick said...

www - Wot, how did you know about the French maid's outfit? Has my therapist been indiscreet again? Note to self - never mention feather dusters in blog posts.

Ramana - Goodness, what exactly do ashes do if they're left unattended? Do they start muttering to themselves?

Baino said...

Good grief. Gruesome or what? Who'd watch that shit. Whilst surfing channels once, I came upon an 'autopsy' show. Seriously, some German dude performing autopsies on TELEVISION and explaining body parts. Needless to say, I didn't linger. I am a little crazy about Egyptian mummies though, I must admit. As for the feather duster/maid thing. I'm soooooo not going there.

Nick said...

Baino - I know the programme you mean about the German autopsies and no, I wasn't prepared to watch it either. And how mature of you not going there. SOME people are so vulgar....

Snowbrush said...

Uh, where do I send my application?

Actually, I used to assist with embalmings, so what they do to mummies is mostly just more of the same.

Nick said...

Snowbrush - Channel Four will be delighted to receive it. I gather the point about mummifying, unlike routine embalming, is that the embalming is thorough enough for the corpse to stay intact virtually indefinitely.

Brighid said...

Let Jen know that the girls are having a special on feather dusters this week. Unforms optional?

Nick said...

Brighid - Is that so? Are these really exciting feather dusters? Super ticklish and capable of getting into very naughty places indeed? I'm sure Jenny will be delighted to show off her freshly-pressed uniform and starched collars.

If I hear another word about feather dusters, I think I might throw a tantrum....