Thursday, 24 December 2009

Sozzled Santa

It's the end of the road for Santa. Retirement beckons. He's been condemned as a shockingly unhealthy role model for children, encouraging all the worst possible lifestyle habits.

Dr Nathan Grills, an Australian public health doctor, has accused him of obesity, drink-driving, speeding, lack of exercise and spreading disease.

The lovable red-suited old beardie is denounced as a thoroughly bad influence in the Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal.

Dr Grills points out that Santa is extremely fat, goes everywhere by sleigh rather than walking, drinks numerous brandies left by householders, ignores speed limits to get all his presents delivered, and has children on his lap even when he has flu.

Other critics have asked if he has been checked by Criminal Records for his suitability to work with children. And then there's his cruelty to reindeer, pushing them to the point of exhaustion with his punishing Christmas Eve schedule.

All in all, not the sort of person you would want your impressionable offspring to take after. The sooner he's pensioned off and put out of harm's way, the better.

However, a spokesperson for Santa responded angrily to Dr Grills' comments. "It's just sour grapes" she said. "He would love to be as popular as Santa, adored by children everywhere for his charm and generosity. Instead he's just a sour old academic nobody's ever heard of, trapped in some musty office. Who needs him?"

When asked for Santa's exact weight, height and body mass index, she threatened legal action and abruptly hung up.

Still, at least Santa doesn't smoke. Or does he?
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A very happy Christmas to all my wonderful blogmates around the world. Forget all your everyday worries and let the festivities commence!

22 comments:

kylie said...

well, i wouldnt care if i never saw another santa but i dont think he is so bad.....

i hope you & jenny have a lovely Christmas and dont forget voluptua in the last minute frenzy, ok?

xo

Scarlet Blue said...

...he smokes like a chimney...
Happy Christmas!!!
Sxx

Nick said...

Kylie - He's a lovable old rascal really, isn't he? I hope you have a lovely Christmas too. And ssssh, don't breathe a word about Voluptua....

Scarlet - I rather suspected he did, despite the fastidiously fag-free public image....

Leah said...

Happy Christmas to you and Jenny!

Poor old Santa...he just wants to live his life in quiet debauchery...

Rummuser said...

This Santa does.

Brighid said...

YeeHaa for Santa, he will always be a special ol fellow to me. He does smoke like a chimney and is a worm burner as well. Atta boy Santa.
Merry Christmas!

Nick said...

Leah - Happy Christmas to you and Sarge too. Quiet debauchery is a nice description of Santa's lifestyle! Not so quiet though, his being a global celeb....

Ramana - He does it very well, an example to aspiring rogues everywhere.

Brighid - Ah yes, a special old fellow dear to many people's hearts. I don't see him getting a health kick any time soon....

e said...

A happy and healthy Christmas and New Year to yo and Jenny.

This post had me laughing...

Nick said...

e - And a Happy Christmas and New Year to you also. Laughter is the best medicine, so they say!

Megan said...

Not only that, he never changes his clothes. Who knows what's living in that collar and cuffs.

Merry Christmas to you and Jenny. Thank you for reading and commenting on my little blog, it is much appreciated!

xoxoxo

Suburbia said...

That sleigh must be carbon neutral though surely?!

Merry Christmas to you :)

Quickroute said...

i always thought the big red nose and beer gut was a give away that he was a drunk - Now I know it's true

Have a great Christmas New years!

Wisewebwoman said...

His lifestyle is one to emulate - look at how old he is!
Best to you and Jenny for now and the New Year 2010.
XO
WWW

Nick said...

Megan - Jeez, that's a point, the same fetid old togs year after year. And no long-suffering Mrs Claus to keep reminding him to freshen up.

Suburbia - Hey yes, finally a positive note! Santa's green credentials are impeccable - a simple sleigh with sustainable reindeer-power. No guzzling of scarce fossil fuels. Though all those millions of toys are a bit resource-heavy.

Quicky - I hear it's a serious problem, he's been in rehab several times. And he's demolished quite a few chimneys in his alcoholic haze.

www - True, he must be quite an impressive age by now - 973? 1045? These health experts with their po-faced fitness regimes, what do they know?

Cinnamon said...

haha- you always come up with a nice twist on a subject!

merry Christmas to you and Jenny- hope you get time to relax :)

Nick said...

Cinnamon - Always a new angle here, I don't like treading the familiar ruts! Oh yes, plenty of time to relax, it's just the two of us today, enjoying the first Christmas in our new house....

A very merry Christmas to you too. Hope you're nice and cosy and keeping the snow and ice at bay.

Los Angelista said...

Merry Christmas, Nick! As for Santa, if I hear about him having gastic bypass and wearing nicotine patches, a little part of my soul might die!

Nick said...

Liz - Yes, that would rather spoil the benevolent, feel-good image, wouldn't it? Unless the sympathy factor brought a wave of new fans....

A Happy New Year to you and the family, Liz.

Grannymar said...

I am playing catch-up on blog reading. Wishing you and Jenny a happy and healthy 2010 and beyond!

Nick said...

Grannymar - And a Very Happy 2010 to you too. And of course to all your toyboys.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I have wondered for years how he managed to squeeze his enormous jiggly bulk into all those chimneys, so whether or not he actually smokes, he is probably a goner anyway from all that second-hand smoke.

I hope you and Jenny had a beautiful Christmas.

Nick said...

Heart - That's true, how's he managed to survive all those millions of fume-ridden chimneys? He ought to have succumbed long ago. I'm beginning to believe there's no such person....

I hope you had a great Christmas too, Susan. And here's wishing you a wonderful 2010.