Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Veronica's thin skin

My dear friend Veronica, the ravishing supermodel, is in hot water with the media again. They say she's encouraging teenage girls to become anorexic.

Jenny's strutting her stuff at some alleged conference in London, so V is keeping me company as usual. She managed to get into the house only after telling the paparazzi the Prime Minister had been caught in his Soho love nest.

"For f***'s sake" she fumed as she reclined teasingly on the chaise longue. "All I said was that skinny is the biggest high. So frigging what? I can't help it if thousands of warped schoolgirls take that as a green light to eat two lettuce leaves a day and jog themselves to death. It's a free country. Predatory tabloid bastards. They're just jealous because they're all fat as f*** and their wives puke at the sight of them."

"Just chill, sweetie", I said, casually caressing her left thigh. "They're not worth the aggravation. It'll all blow over in a few days when they find someone else to persecute. Just how skinny are you, anyway? I hope you're eating properly, I know what you models are like. Living on fags and adrenalin. I bet you haven't had a meal for days."

"Of course I'm eating properly, mind your own business, you" she replied, guiding my hand further up her delicious flesh. "And I suppose you expect the usual reward for putting me up in your grubby establishment?"

"That's entirely up to you, my darling" I murmured. "I'm a new man, I have no hidden agenda."

"Like f*** you haven't" she snorted. "I hope the bed linen's clean, you old slob. Are you sure Jenny's still in the dark about us? She really doesn't suspect anything?"

"Not a thing. She's totally convinced I'm deep in meditation and tantric chanting at the Sacred Order of Divine Bliss."

"What a trusting soul. So shall we meditate?"

"Ready when you are."

Pic: Veronica in playful mood. © Trinket Enterprises 2009

14 comments:

Leah said...

Ah, Voluptua's back, and wicked as ever!

I love the "alleged conference."

Grannymar said...

Enjoy your Voluptual dreaming!

Wisewebwoman said...

Old Vol sounds like a frightful bore, old chap, but something tells me you don't keep her around for intellectual stimulation.
XO
WWW

Nick said...

Leah - Conference indeed, that respectable cloak can hide a multitude of nefarious goings-on.

Grannymar - Dreaming? How very dare you. What do you think I'm really up to, old-time dancing and cups of Ovaltine?

www - Oh no, she only pretends to be a bimbo, it's more lucrative. In private she's extremely well-read, speaks six languages fluently and is an expert on existential philosophy.

kylie said...

i like it

Nick said...

Kylie - So do I! She just has so much juicy gossip. The things she told me about Kate and Naomi....

Quickroute said...

You are missing your calling to Mills & Boom!

Nick said...

Quicky - Mills and Boom? Now there's a concept to conjure with. A sloppy romantic tryst, followed by both partners being blown to pieces by a jilted lover....

Nick said...

What's wrong with Blogger today? My post has the wrong number of comments on it and comments on other blogs seem to vanish into thin air but they haven't....

Rummuser said...

Where can I join up for the Sacred Order of Divine Bliss?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Yes, "skinny is the biggest high" is seriously existential.

Nick said...

Ramana - It's by personal recommendation only. If you're very good, I might put your name forward. For a small fee of course.

Heart - Yes, wasn't it Kierkegaard who first said that in Either/Or? Or was it in his General Treatise on Eating Disorders? I must check with Voluptua.

Los Angelista said...

Poor Voluptua. I fear she will never become a blogger because getting to read witty stuff like this written by a total stranger is clearly the biggest high. :)

Nick said...

Liz - Yes, I have to admit I'm far wittier and sharper than dear Voluptua, despite her encyclopaedic knowledge. But then she thinks wit is just another useless bourgeois indulgence.