Sunday, 5 July 2009

Marriage guidance

When I said Jenny and I hadn't drawn up a pre-nuptial agreement, I was lying. We did in fact draft one, which went like this:

1) The following are strictly forbidden: instant coffee, linoleum, artex, sliced bread, referring to the living room as "the lounge", garden gnomes, doorbells that play tunes, leggings, any kind of sport, comb-overs, nasal hair, tattoos, leaving hairs in the basin, not changing the toilet roll, not cleaning the crumbs off the breadboard, floral wallpaper, net curtains, matching crockery, tarot cards, and lucky charms.

2) Neither partner may sulk, moan about work, be grumpy, pick their nose, gossip about celebrities, embarrass each other in company, wear over-tight clothing, worship a supreme being, believe in astrology, or talk to their imaginary friend.

3) Fancying, or flirting with, the opposite sex (or the same one) is perfectly natural. We can't help but acknowledge beauty and sexiness. But go any further, buddy, and you're toast.

4) Each partner must adore and relish the other's body, which is infinitely fascinating and delightful. There must be no mention of fat, weight, age, wrinkles, knock-knees or hairiness. Except of course comb-overs or nasal hair, which are beyond the pale.

5) Honesty and frankness is essential at all times. We will always discuss our thoughts, feelings and experiences freely and openly in order to have a complete and meaningful relationship. Of course reckless intimacies with aesthetically-pleasing dental nurses are excluded, not being "experiences" in the normal sense.

6) We will both do our fair share of domestic chores, regardless of so-called prior commitments, long-standing allergies, invisible dust syndrome, or arthritic fingers. Except of course when there's something really really unmissable on the telly.

7) Er, that's it.

21 comments:

Suburbia said...

I think that having a ban on talking to your imaginary friend is a bit strong!!!

(word verification agrees, so it seems : 'twagic' )!

Grannymar said...

I love your sink!

If you had a dog would you wash it at the same time and yourself and the dishes? ;-)

(word verification tells me I am a rascol!)

Nick said...

Suburbia - But I expect 100% attention at all times, no competition is allowed....

Grannymar - Good thinking! Yes, I could wash the dog as well. But it's probably easier to put the dog in the washing machine.

Wisewebwoman said...

I only have one question, Nick.

Where on earth does Voluptua fit in to all this?
XO
WWW

Baino said...

God, I daren't show that photo to my son, he'd be so up for that! And what on earth do you have against matching crockery? Great pledge, do you keep to it? Hmmmm? Really? I'm with WWW, how does Voluptua fit in?

gaudiumdegaea said...

I like it. How long did the negotiations take before agreeing on the final draft?
Gx

Nick said...

www - Voluptua and I are just good friends. Those rumours of extra-marital activities are entirely baseless.

Baino - Ditto. Well, we do have a few bits of matching crockery, but matching every last soupbowl and teacup is a bit obsessive.

Gayé - About 14 years. We had to bring in a top-level team of negotiators to help us through the really tricky bits.

Gayé Terzioglu said...

Ah, so it's not the final draft perhaps. It's better if it's continuously checked, amended and improved anyways. :)
Gx

Nick said...

Gayé - Oh yes, it's been constantly improved and updated. This is the Rolls-Royce of PNAs, copied endlessly by romantic couples across the globe. You wouldn't believe the royalties.

Brighid said...

Rules, always there are rules. After 40 years we are still an unfinished piece of work. LOL

rummuser said...

Now, I would not mind signing such a prenuptial agreement! Who will however have me?

Liz said...

And how long did you keep to it?! You must be perfectly matched!

Nick said...

Brighid - I guess we're always an unfinished bit of work, as we have to keep on readjusting to the constantly changing world. If only one set of rules was good for all time!

Ramana - It's a rather onerous agreement, I admit, but you've got to ward off all the time-wasters and riff-raff....

Nick said...

Liz - Oh, we've always kept to it. There are strict sanctions for any failings. Whippings and bondage for a start....

Elizabeth said...

I liked the bit about the comb-over!

Nick said...

Elizabeth - Why on earth do men go for comb-overs? Don't they realise they don't fool anybody and just look totally ridiculous?

Gayé Terzioglu said...

uh oh, uhm, i mean i just printed and framed it. does it mean i have to send you a cheque? :D
xo

red said...

beautiful

Nick said...

Gayé - Well, normally it would be $200. But seeing as it's you, and seeing your current personal distress, it's on the house.

Red - Is that Jenny, me or the agreement, lol.

conortje said...

hehe brilliant - I LOVE It - no wonder you two have stayed together :-)

Nick said...

Conor - Feel free to rip it off once you meet the love of your life (and I'm sure that can't be far off....)