Sunday, 1 February 2009

Not slobbing out

Being jobless, I feel I should be taking the opportunity to slob out and go to seed like your normal bloke.

You know, crawl out of bed at noon with a hangover, grab some pizza and a six-pack and slump in front of the telly watching the darts or the footie, belching occasionally. If the phone rings, I just say "Sorry mate, he's dead" and collapse back on to the sofa.

But being a liberated, reconstructed, new-age, feminist sort of guy, I'm incapable of being so degenerate and stereotypically masculine.

So I jump out of bed at 7.30 and after a healthy, nutritious breakfast I'm moving briskly round the house doing all those domestic chores that Jenny, being a ridiculously overworked lecturer, has little time for.

Renew the road tax? Done. Pay the bills? Say no more. Defrost the fridge? Rightaway. Call the plumber? No sweat. I'm incapable of the slatternly male thing of letting everything pile up until the house looks like a burglary hit it. Too much disorder and my brain starts clogging up and I hyperventilate.

If I'm on top of the household chores, then a bit of Me time is called for. And that doesn't mean flicking through GQ or John Grisham. I'm a liberated man, remember, so nothing less than serious cultural self-improvement will do. In other words, Booker prizewinners, new-wave cinema, cutting-edge art, that sort of thing. Serious brain-stretching, if you please, no gossip mags anywhere in sight.

No, slobbing out just doesn't come naturally. I've tried my best. I've had a go at slumping on the sofa, or dropping my dirty clothes on the floor, or leaving the washing-up for a week. But somehow it simply isn't me. I feel more like a character from Shameless* than the Nick I know and love. The fact is that I've been brought up to be tidy and conscientious and it's not a habit I can break easily.

*Shameless: a British TV series about the dysfunctional Frank Gallagher and his nine children, who live on a Manchester council estate.

19 comments:

Mudflapgypsy said...

All part of the team work of a relationship, no? I have to say that, not watching sport, I still am slovenly, to a degree. The bills all get paid and wonderful meals are cooked but I can sit lost in a book or t'internet reading for too long. Then it's a mad rush to get things done before Mrs M gets home.

Nick said...

Muddy - I can certainly get lost in a book or blogging but I somehow manage to get the other stuff done. Well, usually. Mad rushes at Jenny's coming-home time are not unknown!

Hullaballoo said...

Just because you are between jobs, it doesn't mean that you need to let yourself go to seed, Nick. I am sure Jenny appreciates just how self aware and liberated you are. Bobo is the same, he is naturally clean and tidy, but not obsessively so. I have my extremely messy walk-in cupboard in the haul, but even that got semi-tidied today.

Enjoy making the most of your time, my friend. You do it so well.

Nick said...

Hulla - No, I would never seriously let myself go to seed. I have too much self-respect for that. Also a constant need for mental stimulus. There's no way I could lie on the sofa for more than half an hour without getting distinctly antsy.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You do realize that you are the kind of man every woman dreams of, don't you?

I'm sure you've seen the book "Porn for Women" which is filled with photos of men doing housework. It's true.

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm Tee-heeing over a mental image of you trying to slob out, Nick, and failing after about 2 minutes and going on to clean out the sink.
I can be a complete slob for a day, reading voraciously or watching a Masterpiece Theatre thing or finishing a chapter of a novel or casting off a spot of knitting or seeing 3 movies in a cineplex back to back.
But I do work best in orderly surroundings.
XO
WWW

Nick said...

Heart - Oh, come now. I might seem the ideal bloke but Jenny will tell you I have plenty of flaws. I hadn't seen Porn For Women so I looked up some pictures. That's me all right, whizzing away happily with the hoover. Well, once a fortnight maybe....

www - I wouldn't call finishing a novel chapter or some knitting slobbing out. Sounds very productive to me. Though seeing three movies back to back sounds pretty decadent. I've never gone that far myself....

Baino said...

Yeh, I'm a tidy freak but also good at doing very little other than internet browsing, taking the odd dip and giving the couch a workout but only when things are all in their place! Can you come over and give my son some lessons please, I can't see the floor in his bedroom.

Grannymar said...

I am learning to slow down and pace myself, it is not easy. Thankfully the internet is helping.

Nick said...

Baino - Oh, I expect Adam will grow out of it and turn out to be another neat freak like you. Just as long as he isn't watching too many episodes of Shameless....

Grannymar - I'm still trying to slow down myself. I'm not exactly hyperactive but I'm not very laid-back either.

Quickroute said...

i am a bit of a sloth these days and have become way too comfy with it

Nick said...

Quicky - A bit of a sloth? You seem to be rushing around America pretty energetically for a sloth....

gaudiumdegaea said...

Wow, do you accept trainees/apprentices? One here I would ship up and over for a week or two?
:)
Gx

Los Angelista said...

I'm with gaudiumdegaea! Can I send my husband to you for some training? He takes the slob thing to another level. When I was home in Chicago this past summer, he told me he cleaned for two days before we came home and the house was still sort of a wreck. Sigh.

I wonder if BBC America will get that show. Sounds kind of good.

Nick said...

GayƩ - Maybe a glittering new career beckons, the Tidy Man Institute? It looks like there'd be plenty of (enforced) enrolments.

Liz - I'll start a waiting list straightaway. I must sort out the course content and then off we go. A funny sort of two days' cleaning that still left domestic chaos....

conortje said...

You are a shame to your sex hehe wish I was more like you!!

Nick said...

Conor - I know, I'm embarrassed to show my face in male company for fear of the frosty looks and awkward silences. Can you teach me to be a bit less organised?

Clare said...

Great attitude. Sets a good standard for us all. I'm sure there are millions of things you've always wanted to do in life, but never got a chance too. Might be a idea to dig out that list and start ticking some off.

Nick said...

Clare - Good idea, I must do some of those things I've never had a chance to do, or just never got round to, before it's too late.