On the occasion of his sixty-first birthday*, Nick agreed to a rare interview with the world-renowned supermodel Veronica Trinket. They met in the luxurious surroundings of the Lagan Plaza Hotel, Belfast.VT: So, Nick, what are your feelings at this momentous time?
Nick: I'm deeply moved and touched by the outpouring of affection from my fans around the world. Several of them are still in my bed as I speak.
VT: Still the same old Nick, eh? Always in the middle of one scandal or another?
Nick: I can't think what you mean. Everyone knows I'm a leading role model for confused and impressionable young people.
VT: But you've just been charged with embezzling £5 million from a certain well-known charity that you left under mysterious circumstances.
Nick: My lawyers are contesting all charges. I'd like to talk about my tireless work for the starving peasants of Bolivia.
VT: You've never set foot in Bolivia. And what about the sex-change operation that was going to turn you into gorgeous, pouting Lavinia Loveheart?
Nick: Totally untrue. I was just wearing a dress for a short time for medical reasons. You haven't mentioned my longstanding commitment to the Sacred Order of Divine Bliss.
VT: Yes, weren't you linked to the mass suicides and extreme sexual fetishes at St Benedict's Monastery?
Nick: Not on my watch. I was climbing Mount Kilimanjaro at the time with an old school friend. And another thing, my passion for environmental protection and fighting global warming is second to none.
VT: I believe you've recycled the odd baked bean tin. And there was your six-month incarceration in the Leafy Glades Psychiatric Unit.
Nick: It was only six days. The shooting spree was entirely due to Emilia's heartless comments on my virility. (Mobile rings) Ah, it's Natalie. She's wondering when I'm coming back to bed. Girls, eh? I'm sorry, I really must be off. It's lovely to see you again, Veronica.
VT: You too, my darling. Happy Birthday!
* On March 20. And these were Nick's thoughts on being 60.
(Photo of Veronica Trinket courtesy of Trinket Management)
Ah sure you are only a child! Ten days younger than this old bird!
ReplyDeleteGoodness, a wee stripling compared with the venerable Grannymar! I can feel a new burst of boyish energy surging through me!!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to wait until Thursday to wish you a good one but I'm sure I'll forget. So happy birthday.
ReplyDeleteGrazie tante, Red. I'll wait till April to wish you a happy 30th! And goodness, you're only half my age. I can't remember being 30 at all, it's lost in the mists of time!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday, Nick!
ReplyDeleteI dearly hope that your fantasy life and your real life match up so much better in the coming year that you have to purchase a bigger bed.
You had me there! - I went and googled the fine Volutua Trinket only to discover she's a figment of your fertile creative mind - Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteHeart - Thanks! A bigger bed? Goodness, you're right, I hadn't thought of that. I'd better nip down to Bed Shed and see what they've got....
ReplyDeleteQuickie - Thanks! What do you mean Voluptua's just a figment? Must be something wrong with Google. I'll get on to them straightaway.
Mr Quickroute, what do you mean I don't exist? Where have you been all these years? A word of warning to you ladies - just be careful with this guy, he's not as charming as he seems, he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Always keep something sharp in your handbag!!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday Nick!
ReplyDeleteGrazie mille, Caro. And I wonder when your birthday might be? Not that I would ever be so impolite as to ask a woman her age of course....
ReplyDeleteApril 19th which is mercifully a Saturday this year. And I'm two years older than Red so you can work that one out...
ReplyDeleteA Saturday? That's good, you can relax and enjoy it without the work pressures. And without any inane comments from your workmates. Are you going anywhere for the weekend then?
ReplyDeleteLa-breithe mhaith agat, a Nick! (ask Jenny to translate!).
ReplyDeleteAnd while she's at it tell her to check the bed, I heard there's been some sort of infestation. Aging brains are particularly susceptible to raging hallucinations.
One can't be too careful when one cracks the 60 mark.:>)
Take it from one who knows.
XO
WWW
Happy Birthday, methinks? Thankee kindly. Good grief, an infestation? Who told you that? I'd better speed up the delivery of the new bed. Oh and Natalie says she's definitely not a hallucination.
ReplyDeleteWell it's the morning of the 20th here so you're 61 a day early. Many happy returns Nick and there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy here and there! I mean, I am a legend in my own lunchtime too!
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm already 61 in Australia! Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me.... Another Private Eye reader, I see! I suspect Lunchtime O'Booze is the source of all these nasty rumours about my private life.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! for tomorrow, Nick
ReplyDeleteI'm only 122 months behind you (and Grannymar) :D
Please tell me the fantasies get better with every year!
Steph, thanks! Jeez, 122 months behind - you'd better run a bit faster or you'll never catch us up!! Oh yes, the fantasies get better and better - I just hop nimbly from one parallel universe to the other. Hang on a minute - what fantasies?
ReplyDeleteWell it's after 8pm here, so it should be your birthday there (but then I'm not too good with numbers and counting). Happy birthday. May it be filled with more peace, love, happiness, and cake than you can stand.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nicole, that's lovely. But you've reminded me, I haven't got that all-essential cake! Must pop out and find one.
ReplyDeleteMade me laugh a good deal with this, Nick - happy birthday and many more of them! (People only say that when you're approaching the autumn years, right?)
ReplyDeleteThanks, John. The autumn years - how very dare you! Mind you, I've noticed a few leaves turning brown and falling off the tree....
ReplyDeleteMany happy returns of the day to you, Nick.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Medbh. Apologies for my little outburst of wild frivolity!!
ReplyDelete