Sailing along

As we get older we're supposed to get more and more indifferent to what others think of us and just go sailing happily along in our own little self-centred bubble.

I don't find that at all. If anything I'm more aware of what others think of me and more concerned that someone might have a negative opinion of me.

I think I was probably more indifferent to other people's view of me when I was a child. Children are notoriously oblivious to how people see them and casually blurt out anything that comes to mind. I'm sure I was just like that, causing offence and shock and disbelief everywhere I went.

Of course that's partly because children don't have much of a stake in their surroundings. They're not home owners worrying how the neighbours see them, or employees worrying how the boss sees them. They just do their thing in a state of blissful self-indulgence.

No, as I grow older I consider other people's reactions to what I say or do all the time. I certainly don't go blundering along upsetting everybody. Children may have the excuse of a tender age but an adult of 77 has no excuse whatever.

I watch all the politicians saying anything that occurs to them, however offensive or contemptuous or untrue and I wonder how they can bring themselves to be so recklessly outspoken. If only they could think before they speak, people might have a bit more respect for them.

News avoiders

More and more people are deliberately avoiding news reports as they find them too depressing and alarming. They're actively looking for alternative media content that's more cheerful and optimistic.

At the start of this year, 39 per cent of people questioned said they sometimes or often avoid the news, up from 29 per cent in 2018. They're overwhelmed by rolling news alerts and commentary, much of it horrific or worrying.

I must say my own attitude to the news is somewhat ambivalent. I want to know what's going on in the outside world, but I also recoil from so much outright brutality and misery - which I can do nothing about.

Of course journalists will argue that they have to give us the full horror of events like wars or mass rapes or barbaric regimes, so we realise just how dreadful they are. To skirt over sickening details or play them down in order to "spare people's feelings" is simply irresponsible.

But at the same time as we're made aware of all these appalling events, we're usually unable to do anything about them, which leaves us feeling not only depressed but frustrated and helpless. I have no influence over any of the public figures who could give us a better world. I can only watch as horror after horror unfolds.

In the end the only thing I can do is turn off the news and retreat into my comfortable domestic bubble, watching episodes of Simon's Cat, listening to Bonnie Raitt, and re-reading my favourite authors. Thank heaven for culture, which is always a reliable antidote to the savagery of the outside world.

Never hooked

I've never been hooked on alcohol. It has a pleasant taste and it relaxes me a bit but I can take it or leave it. In fact I've now given up alcohol entirely and I haven't missed it for a second (Jenny has more or less given up as well).

I didn't have any alcohol until I was 23, when I was an evening student at a London college and a group of us would go round to the pub after the lesson.

Like the others, I tipped the alcohol down with gay abandon, and put up with the inevitable hangover the next morning. It was only after a hangover so appalling I was barely able to function that I decided to severely cut down my drinking.

After I left college I stopped drinking altogether and I drank no alcohol for a good decade until I met Jenny and we started socialising a lot, which led me back to alcohol.

We never drank that much, but there were evenings when we would consume a whole bottle of wine. We've been drinking less and less and a couple of months ago decided to quit alcohol altogether.

For me alcohol has never had the supposed benefits people mention. It doesn't make me more confident, or more talkative, or more vivacious, or help me to cope with a big shock. Usually it just makes me sleepy and vague and not very good company.

We're also saving a pile of money of course, especially at restaurants where a single glass of wine can set you back seven quid. Is it worth it?

Incidentally why is copious alcohol the routine way to celebrate? Couldn't we celebrate some other way?

Festive fork-out

Is it outrageous to charge your family members for their Christmas meal? Or is it fair that you shouldn't have to bear the full cost yourself and the other diners should pay for their share?

Last year Carla Bellucci charged her guests £150 each for their Christmas meal. This year she's charging £200 ($252). She justifies the £50 increase as covering the rising cost of food and utilities. She says "Paying up is the least they can do for all the time and effort I'm putting in." *

Only adults and teenagers over 16 are required to pay, while younger children dine for free. She says anyone unwilling to pay is welcome to decline the invitation.

Not surprisingly she has received a torrent of online abuse, including death and rape threats. But a lot of people agree with her that the cost should be shared.

It's a valid point that expecting one person to foot the whole cost of the Christmas meal is rather unfair, on top of all the other Christmas expenses. But I suspect that many of the guests quietly slip the host a tenner or two towards the cost.

But £200 a head is a pretty hefty charge, especially since she expects the guests to bring their own alcohol and drinks. Are they being served caviar and oysters? Are the choicest ingredients being flown in from across the world?

Jenny and I are dodging the whole controversy. It'll be just the two of us for our Christmas meal. And it certainly won't cost us £400.

* Maybe she's also charging for the time and effort?

A love of tea

We Brits have always been known for our love of tea. Tea umpteen times a day and if anyone drops in unexpectedly the first thing you offer them is a cup of tea.

Except that our love of traditional tea is now declining and people are opting for other drinks instead. Like herbal tea, fruit tea and green tea. Or of course coffee. Youngsters in particular are shunning traditional tea, which some see as an old person's drink.

Well, tea consumption isn't slowing down in our household. We drink five or six cups of tea a day and only one or two cups of coffee. I used to have the occasional herbal tea though I still preferred the real thing, as it were.

When we're staying in hotels there's never enough tea in our room and invariably we nip out to get extra tea bags (except at Premier Inn where you can help yourself to as many tea bags as you want).

Luckily we don't live in the 17th century, when tea was still very expensive and only the wealthy could afford it. Also the first tea cups didn't have handles, which only became the norm in the 18th century.

Iced tea may seem new, but it's anything but. It was praised by the Irish novelist Marguerite Countess of Blessington in the 1820s and rapidly became popular. But iced tea is not for me, I like my tea hot.

If I have to go too long without tea, I feel seriously deprived. I just love the taste.

Over the top

It seems that elaborate weddings aren't going out of favour but are more popular than ever, and many attendees are complaining about how much money they're expected to fork out.

There are often complaints that they're expected to spend way more than they spent on their own wedding, especially if the wedding takes place not locally but in some distant location, requiring flights and hotels.

Expenses can include the wedding gift, maybe a bridesmaid dress, bridal shower gift, and hair and make-up.

"Why are we normalising this behaviour?" said one bridesmaid. "I'm so happy to celebrate my friend's special day, but it's getting out of hand. What happened to just getting together a few days before the wedding to celebrate?"

As most of you will know, Jenny and I had the exact opposite of a grand wedding. We married in the local registry office with just two witnesses, and then the four of us went out for a celebratory meal. We would never have expected our friends to lash out huge sums to attend an over-the-top wedding.

I would have thought that with the escalating cost of living, people would spend as little as they could on their wedding and save as much cash as possible for future expenses like buying a house. But no, they want to get hitched in style.

And do those fancy weddings work or do they end in tears? In a survey of 4,000 married couples, more than 50% said they'd felt regret at some point in their marriage. They thought they'd married the wrong person, or the love was never mutual, or their partner's personality changed.

Personally I've never had any regrets. Luckily Jenny and I clicked right from the start.

Unwanted cats

How very sad. People are abandoning their cats like never before and cat shelters and charities are overwhelmed with the sheer number of cats - and kittens - coming through their doors.

The cats are being abandoned for various reasons. Because their owners can no longer afford them, what with the cost of living shooting up and veterinary fees rocketing. Because the owners just didn't realise how much attention they need. Because they've had kittens. Because they're over-active and disruptive. Because of a move to accommodation that forbids pets.

Many of the cats were bought during the pandemic lockdown to keep people occupied, which was fine until the reality of looking after a pet struck home and the cat was no longer welcome.

Jenny and I have never kept a cat, mainly because of the care and attention it would demand, which is okay if you're happy with that commitment but not otherwise. I love cats and I love seeing them when I'm out and about, but I love them strictly at a distance. If I did have a cat, I'm sure it would be disappointed with my minimal level of fondling and stroking.

Many cats don't warm to me anyway. Most of them run a mile when they see me. I've no idea why - is it my height, my glasses, or some strange vibe I'm putting out? The odd thing is that a small number of cats, far from running away, are ultra-friendly and keen to be petted.

People acquiring cats may not realise just what they're taking on. Cats can live up to 20 years, and like humans can develop a range of medical conditions as they age - like dental disease, arthritis, incontinence and loss of muscle strength. They're no light-hearted hobby.

Surprise surprise

Do you like surprises or do you find them awkward and embarrassing?

How do you feel about surprise workplace leaving dos, surprise birthday parties, surprise outings, surprise promotions - or surprise anything else?

For me it rather depends on the particular surprise. When I left my last workplace, there was a surprise farewell, with people saying I'd done a good job and handing me a generous gift voucher. I was very embarrassed, didn't know quite how to respond, and stumbled through a clumsy thank-you.

I've never had a surprise birthday party, but I imagine I would be equally embarrassed if I walked into one. So much fuss over such a prosaic event!

I'm okay with surprise outings - as long as it's not to a boxing match or a battery chicken plant. And I'm all in favour of surprise promotions - not that I ever received one!

But in general I don't like things being sprung on me, especially when I had other plans that I have to abandon. I like to know what's coming, which maybe sounds a bit rigid but that's the way I am.

I guess my upbringing has something to do with it. There were seldom any big surprises in my family, as none of us was keen on them.

I guess the biggest surprise in my life was meeting Jenny and finding we got on like a house on fire. That was one surprise I was very happy with. The covid epidemic was another big surprise, one I could have done without.

What other surprises are waiting in the wings, I wonder?

Not a doctor

There's some uneasiness in the UK over the role of physician associates (there are some 80 in Northern Ireland). Patients who have never come across them before may think they're doctors or even surgeons. And some physician associates have made fatal mistakes because of inadequate training or supervision.

They have much less training than doctors (a two year course) and can only carry out a limited range of procedures, like physical examinations and taking medical histories from patients.

Patients who don't know they're physician associates may assume they have a level of knowledge and competence they don't actually have.

The husband of Susan Pollitt, who died in Oldham after a drain was wrongly left for too long in her body, said earlier this month that he didn't know the person treating her in hospital wasn't a doctor.

Emily Chesterton died after a physician associate at a GP surgery in north London - who she thought was a doctor - twice wrongly diagnosed the pain in her calf as due to a strain rather than a blood clot.

The Health Minister has now announced a review of physician associates and their role amid growing alarm in the medical profession over patient safety.

I must say I would be a bit wary of a physician associate attending to me (if I even knew that's what they were). They should at least have badges stating their role.

And surely they're not qualified to make diagnoses, which is a very advanced skill that even doctors can easily get wrong.

Yes, time for taking stock, I think.

Pic: So who do we have here? Physician associates? Doctors? Surgeons?

Thoroughly lovely

In 2013, as a counter-balance to all my undesirable qualities (psychological hang-ups, poor memory, inattentiveness etc) I listed some of my (hopefully) more attractive qualities. For the benefit of more recent blog friends, I thought I would give them another airing.*

At the risk of seeming smug, patronising, supercilious, self-righteous, priggish and holier-than-thou, here are all my thoroughly lovely qualities.

• I don't harbour malicious thoughts about family, friends or loved ones
• I don't make anonymous attacks on Twitter/X
• I'm not interested in porn
• I'm not misogynistic, homophobic or transphobic (so he claims)
• I'm deeply disturbed by all the poverty, violence, misery and oppression in the world
• I've never had an extra-marital affair
• I like fluffy kittens and cupcakes
• I mind my own business and try not to judge other people's lives
• I don't gossip, and I'm good at keeping secrets
• I don't annoy the neighbours with loud music or all-night parties
• I deplore machismo and male posturing
• I do my share of the housework
• I'm a good listener
• I don't hide my emotions
• I'm not easily offended
• I'm not the jealous type
• I like teddy bears and ice cream
• I'm not an angry or bad-tempered person
• I readily apologise when I've done something wrong
• I've never bullied anyone

 *slightly amended

Not enough empathy

"The death of human empathy is one of the earliest and most telling signs of a culture about to fall into barbarism." - Hannah Arendt

There's a lot of truth in that. If you can't appreciate what other people are going through, their particular ordeals and disappointments and horrors, then there's nothing to stop you treating people cruelly and ruthlessly.

There seems to be a distinct lack of empathy right now. Politicians condemn the "work-shy" and the "not really sick" and those whose poverty is a "lifestyle choice". Trans activists condemn those who don't share their beliefs as bigots and fascists. Nameless individuals on social media attack anyone who is seen as offensive, elitist or politically incorrect. Newspapers pour hatred at criminals and politicians and public officials. Many ordinary individuals don't trust politicians and believe they're all feathering their nests.

There are plenty of things going on that could be described as barbaric. People who're jailed for minor offences. The deep hostility to immigrants. Poor people struggling to survive on inadequate welfare benefits. People who mistreat animals. Innocent people who're beaten up by the police. People who laugh at the disabled. Domestic violence and sexual assaults.

A lot of these things wouldn't be happening if there was more empathy towards the victims, a greater ability to identify with them, more outrage at the way some people are treated. But people are rather too adept at avoiding empathy and pretending hideous things aren't really going on - or aren't as bad as they seem.

One thing preventing empathy is that people who're in trouble are often seen as the author of their own misfortunes, suffering through their own fecklessness or stupidity. This is seldom the case and this callous blame-the-victim syndrome has to end.

Wanderlust

A constant desire to travel used to be called wanderlust, which was seen as something a bit abnormal. But now wanderlust is the norm and hordes of people are forever travelling the world as if it's the obvious thing to do.

A couple of times recently someone has asked me about my holiday plans, and when I say we're probably going somewhere in Britain, there seems to be a slight sense that this is strange, that we should be going somewhere more exciting and impressive, like  Machu Picchu or Angkor Wat.

But this wanderlust tendency isn't limited to an occasional thrilling holiday. Lots of people, it seems are travelling more or less permanently, with only the odd pause to catch up with domestic needs. Jenny's brother and his partner (both retired) are always either on holiday or planning the next one.

Some cruise enthusiasts go from one cruise to another, and are away from home for months on end. And then there's Anderson Dias, who visited all 195 countries in 2019.

Unfortunately the increasing and apparently insatiable desire to travel is what's causing over-tourism in lots of popular destinations and greatly upsetting the locals, whose daily lives have been disrupted by a huge influx of inconsiderate and demanding visitors.

Personally I'm not gripped by wanderlust. I've been to several countries that interested me and that's enough. I've no restless desire to tick off more and more places on the global map, no burning curiosity to see what this or that country "is really like".

Machu Picchu will just have to get by without me.

Meatlessness

Next year I will have been a vegetarian for 50 years. Right through my childhood and most of my twenties I happily ate meat, and then overnight I rejected it.

What happened was that I stayed for a week with a couple of gay friends in their Welsh cottage. I discovered they were both vegetarians and I thought it would be absurd for me to insist on making meat dishes for myself. So I decided to eschew (what a lovely word!) meat for the week.

When I returned home I realised I hadn't missed meat for a second and as vegetarianism was supposedly a healthier diet - and meant not killing animals - I thought I might as well continue to avoid meat.

When I met Jenny, who was a meat eater, and told her I was a vegetarian, she decided to join me. And the rest, as they say, is history. We were (and are) both fit and healthy and never saw any reason for going back to meat.

I'm glad to say I've never faced any active hostility from meat-eaters. In general people accept my meatlessness quite matter-of-factly. The only person who seemed totally bemused by it was my mother. I had to keep reminding her I was a vegetarian as she kept "forgetting". No, mum, I don't eat pork sausages.

So I have Ron and Paul to thank for my conversion 49 years ago.

PS: Researchers at Loma Linda University in the States have shown vegetarian men live on average 10 years longer than non-vegetarian men - 83 years compared to 73 years. For women, being vegetarian added an extra 6 years to their lives, reaching 85 years on average.

Wonky teeth

For a long time the British have been known for their dreadful teeth - not very white, not very straight, sometimes just gaps instead of teeth.

It seems that things are changing. One survey said that 53 per cent of under-35s have had cosmetic dental work. And many celebrities sport pristine rows of shiny white teeth that ironically look entirely artificial.

Personally I find slightly wonky teeth much more attractive than the visually perfect variety that are now so ubiquitous. David Bowie's less than perfect teeth were part of his appeal, and I was disappointed when he finally took against them and went for some better ones.

My own teeth are not very white, and two of my front teeth overlap, but it's never bothered me - or Jenny. Nobody's going to avoid me because they dislike my teeth. I certainly don't want to spend thousands of pounds remaking my teeth to fit some fashionable aesthetic image.

We're encouraged to buy all sorts of special accessories to clean our teeth more thoroughly - floss, inter-dental brushes, electric toothbrushes etc - but do they really make much difference? I just use a standard toothbrush and that works for me. I still have all 26 teeth, though some of them are well-filled (six teeth were extracted when I was a boy as my jaws were too small to accommodate all 32).

My teeth are just fine as they are. As the saying goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Making yourself ill

The idea is regularly mooted in the UK that people shouldn't get free medical treatment - or any medical treatment at all - if they've "made themselves ill". It's only a small minority who take this line, but they always get plenty of media attention, as if it's a wonderful idea.

If people drink too much, take drugs, smoke, engage in risky activities, or become enormously fat, goes the argument, then they shouldn't qualify for NHS treatment and they should be left to their own devices. If their behaviour leads to severe medical conditions, they should be left to seek treatment at their own expense and not expect the taxpayer to step in and sort them out.

Well, apart from the fact that the NHS has always pledged to be free at the point of use, regardless of personal circumstances and regardless of financial status, deciding that certain people shouldn't qualify for NHS treatment would be the start of a slippery slope. Once you begin turning away certain individuals, where would it end? The exemptions would proliferate until whole swathes of people could no longer use the NHS.

Furthermore, if people happen to have engrained psychological weaknesses that have led to illness - lack of self-control, recklessness, impulsiveness, whatever - why should be penalised for it? They may have tried many times to change their behaviour and failed. Or their behaviour might be a response to distressing personal circumstances they find it hard to cope with. People don't simply "make themselves ill".

Another case of engaging mouth without engaging brain.

NB: Of course all this only applies to the NHS because health care is organised quite differently in the States.

The outside world

I suddenly had a eureka moment. I realised my idea of the "outside world" was all wrong.

For some time I've been feeling a bit depressed about the state of the outside world with all its horrors and brutality and inhumanity.

Then it came to me that actually I know next to nothing of the outside world. It's so complex and intricate and enormous that I can't possibly know more than a minute fraction of it.

I might think I know all about (for example) climate change or the polar ice cap or deforestation but I'm kidding myself.

Even what I do know is mostly what the media tells me. And that's often highly suspect. Firstly they only tell us what they think is important, secondly they put their particular slant on it, and thirdly they sensationalise everything. Which means even that tiny bit of knowledge is very unreliable.

So what I refer to as the "outside world" is either a heavily filtered media offering or my own mental picture of the outside world. Neither of those is anything but a sketchy idea of the real thing.

In which case feeling depressed about the outside world is irrational because I'll never have a complete picture of it, and I'm therefore feeling depressed about something that's mostly unknown and unknowable.

So I should stop feeling depressed about the "outside world" and save my dejection for something manifest and tangible.

Simples!

All you can eat

I'm not one of those people who goes crazy at the sight of a buffet and piles my plate with as much food as possible to "get my money's worth". I don't abuse my stomach. But it seems some people don't know when to stop.

Some restaurants and hotels are concerned at the amount of food some people are grabbing, especially when they don't eat it all and leave half of it on their plate.

Mark Graham, landlord of the Star Inn in Penzance, Cornwall, now charges £2.40 a person for buffet "excess leftovers". A few spuds is obviously no problem, he told a customer who complained, but buffet behaviour was out of control, citing a plate "piled so high you could put a ladder and a flag on top of it."

When Jenny and I stay at the Premier Inn, we always opt for their buffet breakfast and have a generous amount of cold and cooked food to set us up for the day's wanderings. But we don't take more than we need.

Surely those people who leave half their food must realise they're taking far too much, so why do they do it?

Do they imagine they're in some kind of eating contest? Are they trying to get a bigger and better paunch? Is it some kind of comfort eating? I don't get it.

Careful how you eat. A Liverpool woman dislocated her jaw trying to eat a triple burger

Religious and happy

Apparently research shows that religious people are happier and healthier than atheists. But is this true? If so, as a life-long atheist I'm heading for a miserable and premature demise.

One study shows that someone's religious commitment, such as how often they attended church, was linked with a lower risk of depression, anxiety, suicide, heart disease and death from cancer.

Supposedly religion also gives you a sense of social connection and community, a sense of purpose, and reduces loneliness and isolation.

Well, I know atheists and I know believers, and it's hard to say who's happier, because people aren't necessarily truthful about their inner feelings. People can pretend to be happy when actually they're feeling despondent and pessimistic.

Certainly I'm happy enough despite my very early rejection of religion. So is Jenny. Neither of us feel the need for an external belief system to help us navigate our lives (though I totally respect those who find religion helpful).

It's easy to think of religious people you know who aren't at all happy, but no doubt they're the exception that proves the rule. My mother was religious but ended her life feeling gloomy about her physical and mental decline. Her parents on the other hand (from what I saw of them) were religious and happy.

Of course you can argue that actually I do have an external belief system - socialism. And does it make me happy? That would be a whole new post....

Not so old?

Like most people, I guess, I take news of some especially long-lived oldie quite uncritically, but apparently a lot of these amazing ages may not be genuine, due to dubious documentation and other errors.

In 2010, more than 230,000 Japanese centenarians turned out to be missing, imaginary, clerical errors or dead. In Greece 72 per cent of census-reported centenarians in 2012 were discovered to be no longer alive.

Do we even want to live so long? Rising numbers of oldies are enduring chronic medical conditions that restrict their quality of life. And do we really want to wake up every day to yet more horrific crimes, international conflicts, dictators and corporate greed? Better a shortened age with a good quality of life than an advanced age that isn't any fun any more.

My mum lived until 96, by which time her quality of life was pretty poor. She had had dementia for several years, and had problems with walking and personal care, as well as having limited physical energy. Quite honestly, she would have been better off if she had died a few years earlier.

So I don't take any notice of people's sure-fire blueprints for living longer. I'll leave others to test them out. I'll happily accept whatever life span I've been allotted, as long as I'm still fit enough to enjoy it.

Meddling bullshit

People can't resist the urge to speculate madly about some police investigation, despite being warned that such speculation is obstructing official inquiries and spreading all sorts of wild conjecture.

The partner of Nicola Bulley, who was missing for 33 days early in the year, has described the online obsession with her disappearance as a monster that got out of control.

Paul Ansell said his family initially welcomed the huge public interest, but that changed when amateur sleuths on social media began posting numerous misleading theories about what had happened.

They accused him of killing her, misconstrued the limited information available, and released personal details about Nicola. Some people travelled to Lancashire to "help" the police, and simply got in the way.

Airing dubious theories in private to your family or friends is one thing (and I'm tempted to speculate as much as anyone else) but posting those theories online to thousands of impressionable people who're likely to keep repeating them indefinitely is another.

Of course a lot of the online speculation is just about getting attention, and the more attention the merrier.

Some of the would-be pundits even make out they're smarter than the police and have spotted things the police have overlooked. The sheer arrogance and self-inflation is breathtaking.

Unfortunately social media provides a perfect platform for these outpourings of meddling bullshit.

Pic: Nicola Bulley