Not a patriot

It's trendy these days to back patriotism and nationalism. Meaning being proud of your country, overlooking its faults and shortcomings, and regarding other countries as second-rate.

Well, I'm not joining the trend. I'm not at all proud of my country, I'm well aware of all its faults and shortcomings, and I think there are plenty of countries that are doing better than ours.

What's to be proud of? A failing economy? Collapsing public services? Widespread misogyny and trolling? Rampant racism? It's not a country to be proud of but one to be embarrassed by.

I was last proud of my country probably in the 1970s, when there was a definite sense of a society that looked after its most vulnerable citizens and wanted everyone to have a satisfying life. I grew up at a time when there were no tuition fees, unemployment benefit was generous, and salaries and working conditions were much better than they are now.

It's just embarrassing when the government flaunts union jacks at its news conferences. Or when people wear union jack tee shirts. Or when football fans wave the St George's flag, the flag of England. Are they really proud of their country? It's hard to believe.

But it's awkward when I happen to live in a country I'm not in any way proud of. I tend to sidestep any conversation that turns to patriotism unless I know the person shares my own views. It could turn nasty.

A lack of empathy?

Someone once said to me that I was totally lacking in empathy, in fact that I was the least empathetic person she had ever known.

Which surprised me (apart from the extraordinary rudeness), because I've always seen myself as an empathetic person. And because nobody else has ever accused me of the same thing.

Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I am indeed short of empathy but I fondly imagine the opposite.

Empathy is harder if someone is going through some experience I've never had, like pregnancy or a terminal illness, but that doesn't mean I lack empathy.

In some ways I think I have too much empathy (if such a thing is possible). I really feel for all those people around the world who're living in desperate circumstances - victims of poverty, disease, genocide, civil war, and so many other horrific situations. There's no way I can just shut it all out and focus on my comfortable everyday life.

I empathise easily with those who're victims in some way, who've been badly treated and exploited by others. How could anyone not empathise with them?

It may be that I empathise quite easily but I find it hard to express that empathy, so people think I'm a bit cold. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing so I say nothing.

But people do have some very odd opinions about me.

Laptop tensions

People have mixed feelings about those individuals who use coffee shops as their office and tap away at their laptop for hours, oblivious to those customers who can't find a seat because they're occupied by the laptop brigade.

Journalist Emily Watkins is a staunch defender of WFCS (Working From Coffee Shops) though she thinks a lot of laptoppers abuse the coffee shops' indulgence by misbehaving in various ways.

She says they often linger for far too long (sometimes several hours), they spend the least amount possible, they talk on their phones, they use Zoom, and they stay put even when the coffee shop is full to bursting.

Whenever we go to our local Caffè Nero, there are always two or three people busy on their laptops and acting as though they're perfectly entitled to be there. And yes, it can be hard to find a vacant seat.

Some coffee shops, like Starbucks, are clamping down on the laptop workers and either banning them altogether, or imposing a strict time limit for being there, and charging them if they want to stay longer.

Most coffee shops lose out financially to laptop workers, as they tend to spend the bare minimum and usually a lot less than other customers.

Personally I think they should be banned from coffee shops altogether as they're not bona fide customers and wouldn't be tolerated in other shops. That may seem draconian but it's very simple - coffee shops aren't offices.

Do not touch

Can you believe it? People can't resist touching the statue of the fictional Molly Malone in Dublin city centre - and in particular touching her breasts. The constant touching has led to discolouring - and offended locals.

Now 23-year-old student Tilly Cripwell is campaigning for Dublin Council to repair the statue and raise it to a less accessible level.

Unfortunately several tour operators have included the statue in their list of local attractions, encouraging more physical contact. Also an urban myth has emerged that touching the statue's breasts will bring good luck.

Dublin Council says it's considering the campaigner's requests and has asked for cost quotations for carrying out the work.

I've never actually seen the statue in situ but I can understand the objection to visitors casually groping her breasts as if that's okay ("It's only a statue" as some of them put it).

The Council could put up a "Do Not Touch" sign but how many people would take any notice?

Molly Malone isn't a real person of course. She was a legendary Dublin woman who sold shellfish in the city streets. She's the subject of a traditional folk song that's now the city's unofficial anthem.

Anyway, the next time I'm in Dublin I'll check out the statue - and see if anyone's fondling it.

PS: The lyrics are here: https://www.google.com/search?q=molly+malone+lyrics

Till death us do part?

Considering how long marriages are now meant to last - maybe 60 to 70 years - it's not surprising that so many spouses get restless and start looking elsewhere.

At one time people died in their 30s and there was barely any time for disenchantment to set in. Even when I was young people still died in their 60s so marriage didn't last nearly so long. But still we pledge to stay married "until death us do part".

So it shouldn't really be remarkable that after a while some people find their marriages stale and unfulfilling and start affairs or abandon the marriage altogether.

Jenny and I have been lucky enough to stay together despite our ever-changing personalities and opinions. Whatever differences we've had were never enough to drive us apart. I suppose the key thing that unites us is a shared political perspective. If one of us abruptly became a fervent right-winger that would separate us for sure.

When a marriage breaks down the spurned partner can be devastated, but with today's marriages lasting so long such a breakdown has to be seen as a possibility from the start. You can't assume you'll still be together a few decades down the line.

Some people may say that a successful marriage flows along of its own accord, but I don't think that's true. In my experience you do have to work at it, before minor disagreements and annoyances turn into serious rifts.

By this stage of course there's little chance of Jenny or I suddenly starting a passionate affair, but who knows?

Not ready

It's appalling to learn that so many children starting school nowadays lack all sorts of basic skills and abilities like using the toilet, climbing a staircase, reading books, or even getting dressed.

Their deficiencies are so common that the government is to introduce a checklist of skills that children should possess by the time they start school.

Teachers are increasingly finding that on top of their normal teaching functions they're having to do things like changing nappies and helping children up the stairs - things parents should have taken care of long before start of school.

As I recall from my early schooldays, there weren't any children who lacked such basic skills. It would have been totally shocking if they had. My mother obviously had a very clear idea of what school readiness meant, and would have been mortified if I'd turned up at school in nappies.

It seems a lot of young children are simply not getting enough exercise and not using their muscles enough to strengthen them because they spend so much time looking at screens.

While nine out of ten parents considered their child ready for school, teachers said one in three children weren't. Some parental education is plainly much needed.

All emotional

It's the norm these days that we should all express our emotions as much as possible, and if you tend to keep your emotions to yourself that's not healthy.

Well, I'm one of those emotionally cautious types, trying not to express my feelings publicly unless they're positive and helpful rather than damaging.

Many emotions are harmful (jealousy, contempt, hatred, resentment, to name a few), yet people casually fling them around as if they're harmless.

One result is the ferocious hatred directed at celebrities on social media, and the bitter conflicts over things like transgender, immigration and diversity.

It's a cliché that therapists tend to ask "how do you feel about that?", as if feelings are the key to very problem. But that isn't the case. Often it's the way you look at a situation that's the key and not feelings.

Expressing your jealousy or resentment that someone else is doing better than you are at something won't help the situation, but working out why that person is doing better and following their example would be a lot more productive.

I missed out on the jealousy gene altogether and I've never felt jealous about anyone. It makes more sense to focus on my own life and how it's going.

There are plenty of emotions swilling about inside me, I just prefer to express them prudently rather than freely.

Open to question

Neither Jenny or I have ever been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but it seems mental illness is becoming increasingly common. Is this really the case or are a lot of those diagnoses arguable?

In all my time at two different schools I don't remember anyone having a recognisable mental illness, except maybe the boy who committed suicide. Obviously there were boys with personality quirks but nothing more serious than that. So why are mental disorders now so widespread?

Some health professionals believe the epidemic of mental illness isn't what it seems. People may be more willing to accept they have a mental disorder. Therapists might be more likely to diagnose one. What was once seen as simply odd behaviour may now be seen as a mental disorder. And there are new mental disorders to apply to people - like ADHD.

So the jury's definitely out on the explosion of mental illness, and whether it's a real increase or not.

Certainly severe mental illness is just that and can't be explained away. An old school friend of Jenny's was seriously schizophrenic and killed herself at the second attempt. She was clearly very disturbed, had crazy fantasies and constantly alienated other people.

Then again mental illness may simply be an understandable reaction to someone's rotten life situation. If I was being badly treated at work, or by my spouse, or by my family, and I was living in a crumbling, mould-infested flat, and I was heavily in debt, I think some sort of mental disorder would be almost inevitable.