Zhanna Samsonova, a Russian online influencer who had followed a strict diet of raw tropical fruit for ten years, and said she hadn't drunk water for six years, has died, reportedly of malnutrition, exhaustion and infections, at the age of 39. Her mother Vera was alarmed at her daughter's extreme diet and had tried to coax her into more sensible eating habits but got nowhere.
Can you imagine what her mother must have gone through, watching her daughter waste away but being unable to keep her alive?
Other parents must suffer the same way when their children become drug addicts or heavy drinkers or hardened smokers, and steadfastly refuse to accept that their behaviour is doing them harm. No doubt the parents often blame themselves for their children's bad habits, thinking they must have triggered them in some way. But of course self-destructive habits have very complex causes.
As one parent says: "It's devastating and very sad and tragic at times, just heart-breaking. As a parent, you want to save them. You want to shake them and scream, Why are you doing this? The problem is that there is no good answer to the question, Why are you doing this? There is so magic cure for the heartache and sorrow you experience as a parent."
I may have been a pain in the arse to my parents at times, but at least I never had them worrying that I was on a path of self-destruction. For one thing, I'm not that keen on tropical fruit.
Pic: Zhanna Samsonova - when she still looked healthy
If the child is a minor, parents actually have considerable power to stop that child from engaging in self-destructive behavior (unless they live in a country where government is excessively intrusive into family life). But an adult like Samsonova has adult autonomy, and that is really the way it has to be. The parents have eighteen years to teach their child critical thinking and skepticism, and how to evaluate ideas and claims. Eighteen years should be enough. If they do a good job of instilling those things, the child will be able to assess and reject nonsense for the rest of his or her life.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately many parents take the easier path of teaching that some ideas -- religion, patriotism, etc -- should be accepted without question, and that judging them by evidence and logic is abhorrent. I suspect this is part of the problem. A person who has been taught to accept one idea with mindless faith and credulity is primed to offer that same mindless faith and credulity to some other emotionally-appealing idea later on.
Infidel: Indeed, it's up to the parents to inculcate critical thinking, but many don't. I think you're right that children can also be primed to believe in a whole chain of things mindlessly and irrationally. My parents never encouraged critical thinking but I developed it anyway through academic study and the late sixties counter-culture.
DeleteNot to mention, paraphrasing your words, Nick, when parents are drug addicts or heavy drinkers or hardened smokers themselves. Lead by example.
ReplyDeleteParents are not helpless. Some just prove to be incompetent/negligent. Locking the stable after the horse has bolted.
Stone me now, a child's upbringing is largely responsible for what will become of them. Sure, there may be wild phases late teens/early twenties, experimenting with this, that and the other. Most will grow out of it pretty fast. The more fragile? They need compassion not "helpless" parents.
As an aside: Like you I was never into "stuff". Though I do believe that had/has mostly to do with the fact that I don't like losing control/not knowing what's what. However, I do like tropical fruit - indeed any fruit. Watermelons are mostly - well, water.
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Ursula: Yes, some parents are simply incompetent, but other very competent and intelligent parents still find themselves helpless in the face of a totally incalcitrant child. I've known a few parents who really were at their wit's end over a child's behaviour.
DeleteThere were girls who had Bulimia at my school, and they died. It was so quick. And knowing women who've have Anorexia - it's so tough. Less was known about these conditions in the eighties.
ReplyDeleteI was chatting to someone the other day about diet and diabetes - and I remember that even as a teenager there was no telling him that his diet was crap - and his parents always fed him nutritious food, but he'd top up with rubbish.
The trouble is that we can all be stubborn, and we have a lot of bother listening to reason.
Sx
Ms Scarlet: Sure, we can all be stubborn, but some children are stubborn on stilts. Yes, anorexia is a case in point, something that's very hard to reverse once it's firmly established.
DeleteChildren and young people are complexe personalities and what do you mean when talking about incompetent or competent parents ? Some children like to walk at the edge and experience different things. Who are the drug sharks ? Adult criminals ! We have friends whose daughter committed suicide at the age of 17 and tried to kill herself several times before and when her father found her the first time she begged him to let her die, she doesn't like life . What do you answer in that case.? Her family are caring and loving persons.. I decided not to juge anymore not about the parents and not about the concerned children. And every person should have the right to decide what way of life they chose.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: Of course people should have the right to decide their way of life. But surely if a child is doing something that's harming them then you would expect their parents to try to intervene? That's very sad about the daughter who finally killed herself after several attempts.
DeleteBy competent parents I just mean parents who are good at looking after children and satisfying their needs.
Nick, of course parents should look after their children and try to intervene, a difficult and not always succesful task. We have many examples with severl friends who struggled their whole life with children who did not take the best direction , but I think whatever happens parents mut show their unconditional love. Some children can tell you opemly that they did not chose to be born !
DeleteHannah
Hannah: I think you're right, parents should show unconditional love even when their child seems to be going off the rails. And yes, especially since they didn't choose to be born and maybe find life hard-going.
DeleteIt would help parents if society was not so judgemental when they try to instill sense into their offspring...such as not mutilating yourself because Mermaids say it's the thing to do and your daft school upholds such ideas.
ReplyDeleteAs self-destructive behavior goes, that's the big one these days. It's horrifying what's been done to thousands of minors who didn't have the knowledge or maturity to meaningfully understand the consequences of what they thought they wanted.
DeleteFly: Totally agree with you about the malign influence of Mermaids (and Stonewall). I'm utterly shocked by how many intelligent people and worthy organisations are going along with all this twisted nonsense.
DeleteInfidel: Exactly. Young people with a limited capacity to understand what they're signing up to may very well regret their decisions later.
DeleteMental health problems come in many forms. It’s impossible, though, once a child reaches adulthood to do much of anything to help.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I think you're right, negative behaviour can be pretty entrenched by the time a child reaches adulthood.
DeleteI once attended a workshop about freedom and one mother said that, for her, the best freedom was one of not being judged for her son's behavior.
ReplyDeleteForgot to sign. Linda
DeleteLinda: Yes, that sounds like a fine bit of freedom.
DeleteI wonder what was going on in her head. I feel sorry for her parents. What she did was mental illness, not bad parenting.
ReplyDeleteColette: Agreed, it was mental illness and she needed some serious therapy. No doubt that was suggested to her and she resisted it.
DeleteA lovely appearing young woman -- tragic loss of her life for such a misguided reason. I'm sure this would have been heartbreaking for the parents. My mother taught "moderation in all things" which I passed on to my children. Fortunately, none of us went to extremes ask some do.
ReplyDeleteJoared: Hi, long time no see! I also follow the principle of moderation in all things - influenced by Buddhism in my early twenties.
DeleteNick , can you please explain what is this mermaid / stonewall thing ? Sorry but I have no idea what it is about. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: That's a big subject, but I'll try and summarise it. Mermaids and Stonewall are two pro-transgender organisations that promote genital surgery and/or puberty blockers as well as opposite-sex hormones for people who have gender dysphoria. In particular they encourage these measures for children. They refute the idea that gender dysphoria is a psychological problem and therefore should be treated by psychotherapy, especially as gender dysphoria is usually accompanied by other mental disorders like depression and anxiety. There is a huge conflict going on between the two sides. See my blog post for more: https://nickhereandnow.blogspot.com/2023/01/non-believer.html
DeleteIf you google transgender you'll find loads of information.
Thank you Nick, I am aware of transgender discussions, problems and opinons, but I did not know the names of the British organisations.Thanks again and enjoy your weekend.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: Sorry, I forgot you had already commented on that post from January this year and you've obviously thought a lot about it.
DeleteYeah because you can only do so much especially when they're adults. Adult children really don't listen to the parents anymore because they think they know everything.
ReplyDeleteMary: I certainly thought I knew a lot when I was a teenager. It gradually dawned on me that I was amazingly ignorant!
DeleteMary Kirkland, why should adult children follow the advice of their parents ? We got one life and should be allowed to chose our way how we want to live
DeleteChildren are not the property of their parents (if mother wished to be a Miss Beauty , she is training her child to be one, you can see those horrible shows in the States, where small children are on the cat walk, I shiver).
Hannah
It's basically all addictive behaviour and nothing can be done about it unless the person wants recovery and an alternative and positive way of life. Parenting has nothing to do with it but often bandied about as an excuse in the blame game. Addicts need to take responsibility and that's the hurdle to recovery. she had a form of bulemia/anoraexia, a coping addiction. I've known quite a few.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
www: I'm sure parenting has little to do with whatever behaviour your child chooses to adopt. I guess that's right, that addicts should take responsibility for their addiction, but clearly Zhanna was totally resistant to any idea that there was something wrong with the way she was behaving.
DeleteWWW, interesting that you say "whatever behaviour your child chooses to adopt". No one CHOOSES "self destructive behaviour" (Nick's original phrase). That's the tragedy. The question is where does it originate? What compels some to go down that path?
DeleteNick, I will modify my original comment having thought about the subject further, and you may make this another of your blog posts' subjects. HA! Don't ask. Families. Large families. Siblings. I have yet to come across a family of at least three who won't have one who falls by the wayside. Self destructive (which can take many forms). Remember they all come from the same family. So the interesting question being what were the dynamics within a family that lead to one child being "difficult" but not the others. Which reminds me: It never pays to be the middle child or one of the middle children. You will pay the price! No bull, Nick. Just looking around friends' families of origin and my own wider family through the generations ...
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Ursula: Well, I think in the beginning people choose to drink a lot or take dodgy drugs or smoke, and then addiction takes over and there isn't any choice any more. As for families, ours had no middle child but there's a big gap between my sister's very obedient and docile nature and my own rather rebellious and contrary nature.
DeleteDanielle: Us too. We never had the slightest urge to have kids. And the world kids are now being born into is horrifying.
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