I've never been tempted to have a mistress. That might be because Jenny and I have always had a strong and enduring relationship, and I never felt there was something lacking, something I needed to look for elsewhere. Or it's a simple aversion to the very idea of "something on the side".
Having a mistress seems like a sign of failure, a sign that you haven't tried hard enough to make your main relationship work. I also couldn't go through with all the deceit and subterfuge it calls for. Plus I'd suspect I was motivated by some quite unreal idea of the person I was getting involved with - that they're stunningly beautiful or clever or sexy - and a few months later I'd be disillusioned and it'd all end in tears.
But everywhere you look men are revealing their secret mistresses and acting as though they're doing nothing wrong, they're just yielding to their masculine instincts and needs. Or they're just exercising their teeming virility. Some women even go along with a man's trail of mistresses on the basis that "it's just the way they are."
In virtually very novel I read there are men with mistresses, either carefully concealing them, or going off them, or being suddenly found out and begging forgiveness. In the world of fiction mistresses are normalised.
It's interesting that the marriage vows include all sorts of pledges to look after your spouse but say nothing about adultery or sticking to one partner and not being tempted by anyone else.
As the saying goes "I can resist anything except temptation".
PS: I see there are several versions of the marriage vows, some forbidding adultery, some not.
Marriage vows include "Forsaking all others".
ReplyDeleteWhilst I think it great when a couple commit to each other I'd strongly advise AGAINST making promises at the altar. It takes all my might to offer my congratulations instead of condolences to a couple who intend to marry. Don't! Remember, it's a legal contract. Nothing more.
Anyway, Nick, what brought on this musing of yours? Adultery is as old as time - and men aren't always the culprit. That's the beauty of being a woman. You'll always know who the mother is. The father? Well ...
Hot tip of the day: Stop reading fiction. It's most unbecoming at your age.
U
Curious about your last observation. Why would it be more "unbecoming" to read fiction at one age than at another? I'm 62 and reading a fairly massive novel right now. I can't imagine stopping reading books, including fiction, as long as I'm alive.
DeleteInfidel: I suspect Ursula's hot tip was somewhat tongue in cheek, not for the first time.
DeleteUrsula: There are several versions of the marriage vows, and the one I came across first on google made no mention of forsaking others. Yes, it's "only" a legal contract but an important one because if one of you dies, your property goes to your spouse. If you're not married, everything can go to the state. What brought all this on? I'm currently reading a novel that features several mistresses or their female equivalent (mastresses??)
DeleteI think in many cases there is something lacking in the marriage, or the husband and wife have grown apart and cooled on each other as the years pass. For some, of course, it's just a matter of doing it because it's fun and they can.
ReplyDeleteDifferent people have different attitudes about such things. I had a relationship with a married woman once. Her husband knew about it and was OK with it. He had something going on on the side as well. I think their marriage was more of a business partnership than anything romantic. One can never assume too much until one knows the parties involved well.
Infidel: Indeed, attitudes to adultery differ widely. I'm not condemning it, I'm just puzzled about why some men (and women) seem to need it. As you say, I suspect the main reason is something missing in the marriage.
DeleteMonogamy is an invention and sometimes we can love 2 persons for quite different reasons.The most important is not to hurt each other and not to judge. Why do you suppose that it may concern sex or virility or whatever ? It can also be something exciting about intellectual attraction.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: I agree, the main thing is not to hurt each other and not to judge. I think the usual definition of mistress does refer to a sexual relationship. And successful sex does of course imply virility. Intellectual attraction is certainly exciting - as Jenny and I can testify!
DeleteMy friend was molested as a young girl. She craved sex. Several times a day was preferred. She always had several men on the go.
ReplyDeleteI also know a woman who would move in with a couple and have sex with the husband with the wife's permission. At least three different couples at various times. She, also, had been molested as a child.
And a third friend who had a similar story--being molested then craving sex.
It may have nothing to do with the husband or the marriage.
Linda
Linda: That link between being molested and then craving sex is something I had never thought of. All very obvious now you've pointed it out.
ReplyDeleteNo no and no , we should be really careful which such dubious conclusions. Make love several times a day , well what is wrong with it ?
DeleteHannah
Hannah: Nothing wrong with it at all, unless it's a kind of addiction that's harming the person.
DeleteI agree.
DeleteHannah
It all sounds very exhausting, especially this early in the morning.
ReplyDeleteLinda's comment is very interesting though - cause and effect.
Sx
Ms Scarlet: Yes, it must be quite exhausting having two lovers (or more) on the go.
DeleteThere are many, many reasons for looking outside a marriage which are not easily categorized or simplified. I could made a huge list. Luck of the draw if you and partner are perfectly matched but, unfortunately, that is the rarity. Things get awfully muddled when kids are part of it. Every case of so called infidelity is unique. For instance, I knew two cases of lesbians and gay men marrying. Frigidity was huge in my mother's time for horrific reasons, etc.
ReplyDeleteAnd so called "players" remain so, married or not. Of both sexes.
XO
WWW
www: I daresay you're right that every case of infidelity is unique. As you say, the reasons for marital disharmony aren't easily categorised. It's certainly the case that many partners aren't well matched in the first place.
DeleteI’ve heard both forsaking all others and vows about being faithful in good times and bad. I don’t know why they still bother with ‘till death do us part’ since 50% don’t make it. 🤣
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Good point about "till death us do part". As you say, not many people manage that.
Delete