Despite the tensions in my own family, I grew up assuming most families were happy - loving mums and dads tenderly nurturing their cherished offspring, any occasional spats quickly smoothed over and blissful harmony restored.
It didn't help that so many of the children's stories I read were about perfect families who always "lived happily ever after".
As the years went by, I slowly realised that many families aren't as happy as they make out, and that in private heated rows might be the norm. Clashing personalities, political differences, disputes over parenting, squabbles over housework, womanising husbands. A hundred things to disrupt the precarious goodwill.
It's still the convention that families present a united front to the rest of the world and not "air their dirty linen in public". Even if the family is being torn apart, they should pretend there's nothing amiss except the odd good-natured tiff.
But as we can see at the moment, families from the Royal Family downwards can have their troubles. Clearly there's no love lost between the Queen and Meghan Markle.
At least warring couples are now less likely to stay together "for the sake of the children". They've realised children exposed to constant bad feeling and sniping can end up more disturbed than children of couples who've split up.
But it's very embarrassing when you're visiting a married couple and it's immediately apparent there's some simmering hostility between them. The atmosphere is so uncomfortable it's a relief to wind up the evening and depart.
So how about Jenny and me, I hear you ask. Well, obviously we're the happiest of all happy couples. How could we not be?
I come from a dysfunctional family and used to envy the functioning, also called happy families. The domestic situation however made the bonds between the mother and her children and the siblings among themselves very strong and that was the saving grace.
ReplyDeleteI however saw mostly happy and highly functional families among our relatives, friends and neighbours and always wondered why our home could not have been like that.
The direct result of the dysfunctionl family was the four siblings all ending up with very happy families though one went through a divorce and remarriage.
As I write this today, my family now spread all over the world and within India is without exception a happy lot.
Glad to know your current family is happier than your problematic childhood family.
DeleteThere are no guarantees and even in the best of couples, outside influences and circumstances beyond your control can turn the happiest of families on edge (sickness, accidents, job loss, etc.)
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Indeed, there are no guarantees, and serious crises like the ones you mention can severely test even the strongest relationships.
DeleteI look at my husband's siblings, both in and out of marriage, and wonder how he managed to avoid their toxicity.
ReplyDeleteI can't say that my parents were an ideal couple, but when I look at his family I thank my lucky stars I was not born into it.
Fly: I would like to have had a father who wasn't perpetually bad-tempered and self-righteous. But at least there was no physical violence to go with it.
DeleteMy childhood was more profound than idyllic and I'm grateful for it. My favorite book title is Wayne Muller's "Legacy of the Heart--The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood."
ReplyDeleteJean: I'm not sure about the spiritual advantages of a painful childhood. I think the outcome could go both ways - either spiritual enlightenment or serious neuroses.
DeleteWhat kind of books did you read as a child?
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: I can't remember most of them, but I know I read Enid Blyton (The Secret Seven, The Famous Five), also lots of crime fiction like Simenon.
DeleteMs Scarlet: Also I don't recall any fellow school pupils who ever mentioned family friction, so I assumed they all came from happy families.
DeleteI initially wrote about our parents then decided I was not ready to make that quite so public. I'm just glad Dave and I now laugh together several times a day. Life is good. Finally.
ReplyDeleteLinda: Glad to hear that your life is good. I think some of my other blogmates don't want to comment on what can be a sensitive subject.
DeleteIt's sad that there are so many unhappy families. Mine growing up was a nightmare so I'm glad I met Ken and we were happy.
ReplyDeleteMary: Sounds like it was a great relief to be free of your childhood family and be moving on.
DeleteI dont t hink the issue is between Meghan and Elizabeth, I think it's between Harry and Charles
ReplyDeleteKylie: Could be. I'm not following this saga closely as I'm not very interested. In the end I guess it's just another family feud.
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