Why worry about past shortcomings? My attitude is, I did the best I could at the time, on the basis of my knowledge and experience and common sense, and if that turned out to be not good enough, then so be it. If I made some glaring mistake, I'll correct it. Otherwise I put it all behind me and move on.
Isn't it rather pointless to stew about one's past behaviour, to pick everything apart and find oneself wanting? Isn't it rather self-indulgent? And isn't it a colossal waste of energy? We're all human, we all make mistakes, why make such a big deal out of it? Why not just wind your head in, as they say here, and get on with life?
A survey this week said the average person spends 110 hours a year regretting what might have been. Some 57 per cent wish they'd chosen another career path, while a quarter pine for lost loves. That's an awful lot of regrets. If a survey funded by KP Peanuts is to be believed, of course.
The trouble is, once you start regretting, there's no end to it. You can regret marrying the wrong person, or buying a house on a flood plain, or having so many children, or having no children at all, or not going to uni, or staying in that crap job for so long. You could drive yourself nuts. And never enjoy what you're actually doing right now.
Je ne regrette rien.
I think the gist of your post commendable in as much as you spare yourself grief. And, no doubt, Ramana and Cheerful Monk, in their different ways, will agree with you. However, I am the opposite.
ReplyDeleteI do have regrets, I have felt shame and I most certainly feel remorse. To me it's not a waste of time. I am the sum of my life's experiences, my actions; how the latter may have impacted on others. That does not mean that I don't enjoy what I am doing at any given moment. I do. Big time.
Reflecting on the past (a little bit of self flagellation) and enjoying the moment are not mutually exclusive.
As to the future - well, there is always hindsight.
U
Ursula: I'm very aware of how my actions may have affected others, but that doesn't mean I brood over them. If I've hurt someone or created some problem for them, I'll do my best to make amends. No brooding required.
DeleteAnd I've never believed in self-flagellation, either physical or emotional!
I must be on the extreme left on the average graph as I rarely if ever spend time regretting what could have been.
ReplyDeleteRamana: Good for you. It's all water under the bridge.
DeleteI'm most curious, not in the results of the survey, but how one measures regrets in hours per year? 'Let's see . . . Tuesday I spent 10 minutes daydreaming about how different my life would be if I had majored in engineering instead of accounting . . .'
ReplyDeleteNuts . . . Then again, it was KP Peanuts.
Bijoux: That's what I was wondering too. How can you pin down someone's brooding so precisely? Did they just ask people to estimate the time involved? Not very scientific....
DeleteI'm with you on this Nick. I do reflect on the past but not in any way with wishes to change it. All of it has made me who I am and I like who I am today, warts 'n all. I have made amends where there was hurt or wrongdoing (unaware as I was at the time) and moved on but these deeds/acts shaped me. And were necessary to make me truly appreciate the joy (pain/illness notwithstanding) of my life today.
ReplyDeleteI understand myself like I really never did on the journey to get here.
XO
WWW
www: Exactly, all our past experience, with its successes and failures, has made us what we are. I also like being what I am today - which is a lot more complex and interesting than the me of 50 years ago.
DeleteI have a personality disorder called, Schizotypal Personality Disorder. While I feel emotions, I do not feel them as strong most others do. So I can understand not worrying about regret, shame or remorse. While I do feel them at times, most of my feelings are muted so it's not a big problem for me.
ReplyDeleteMary: Goodness, that's a new one on me! Interesting that your emotions generally are muted, rather than varying between strong and weak. As you say, not a big problem for you.
DeleteOh it was a real eye opener when I found out. I knew there was something different about me but it was nice to find out what it was.
DeleteMary: Yes, a clear diagnosis can be quite a relief if you've spent a while wondering why you don't quite "fit in".
DeleteHummmmm
ReplyDeleteI think we all play certain mental mechanisms in order not to feel bad about ourselves
Regret is vital I think.....I don't believe we do ourselves any favours not regretting something we have done which is wring
I agree, John. I am not saying Nick or any of his other commentators are doing so, but "sweeping under the carpet" comes to mind. And that does no good. We need to stand by that which didn't lead to the desired outcome whether through our own decisions or actions of others. That doesn't mean we should wallow in self pity, dwell to our own detriment. Acknowledging what happened will do. And not making foul excuses.
DeleteBy way of one small example, and to cement the above:
"False memory syndrome" has lead to fall-outs between my mother and me. She re-writes history at the rate of knots. Even events she wasn't present at she "remembers" far better than I do. Am I a figment of her imagination? Am I actually alive or a figment of my own imagination? Good job I do have an elevated sense of the ridiculous.
Listening to my mother, that our family, including the wider one, aren't sainted is a miracle. Where once there were a few stinkers along the path now we all smell of roses. Whatever.
U
Wrong
ReplyDeleteJohn: As I said earlier, I'm very aware of how my actions may have affected others, but that doesn't mean I'm full of regret. And it doesn't mean I feel bad about myself. If I feel I've done something wrong, I'll do my best to put it right, that's all.
DeleteI have regrets but I don't dwell on those regrets. That takes away from living well today.
ReplyDeleteLinda: I wholeheartedly agree.
DeleteI am trying to get better as I grow older and hopefully wiser. there are regrets in not seeing the FACTS.
ReplyDeletethe fact that someone you love is dying. and no matter how much you will it differently and picture it getting better... it's NOT going to.
and all that energy I wasted. not only for myself. but for my beloved Bob.
instead of just relaxing and being there for him. I kept fighting the enemy... CANCER! I do regret wasting that time. we could have had some very special times. I robbed us of that. and I do regret it. now I hope I would know better.
too soon old. too late smart. as they say.
this is a good thought provoking post.
I want to be more like a DOG.
xoxo
Tammy: Dogs have a much easier life, that's for sure. No regrets, no shame, no remorse, they just forge through the day and then sleep soundly. The ideal existence!
DeleteAs you may have guessed, I’m too engrossed in playing my part well right now to brood about the past. Years ago I was taken by a piece that said the original definition of sin was “to miss the mark.” Quite different from the Catholic concept of we’re all worthless sinners that I was burdened with as a child. So learn from our mistakes and keep trying to align our thoughts and actions with our values. That ‘s more than enough to keep my mind occupied.
ReplyDeleteJean: The Catholic concept of sin has a lot to answer for. Luckily I was brought up in a non-religious household so I escaped the worse excesses of religion.
DeleteActually, I think the experience was a blessing because it got me to question those ideas early in life. Camus said, "To think is to be undermined," and that's how it felt at first. But I took the time to build myself a solid foundation and it's been invaluable.
DeleteJean: Unusual, I would think, for someone to question religious ideas so early in life. I think a lot of kids just absorb them and the serious questioning comes a lot later.
DeleteI seem always destined to become an old woman with only a few regrets.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Glad to hear it. Too many regrets can be an emotional millstone.
DeleteBeing cursed/blessed with a type of long term memory makes shaking those shreds that hang on and hold me back. Gradually I am able to file them away. They don't go away, but I can put them away.
ReplyDeleteWonderfully put, Susan.
DeleteU
Susan: Surely you can have a good long-term memory without necessarily being full of regrets? But it's good that you can "put them away".
DeleteMay I add just one little corrector into the discussion, Nick. You have, more than once, used the expression "FULL of regret". I think it'd fairer to forget the "full" which makes regrets, if we have them, sound all consuming. As I said to John, acknowledging a regret will do. And then, as Susan said so eloquently, we may learn to "file" them; "they don't go away but [we] can put them away" (best case scenario).
DeleteU
Ursula: You have commented four times on this post. That is excessive. Also you have referred to John, who you know very well doesn't welcome your comments on his own blog.
DeleteLet's make it five, Nick. I am sorry I still don't seem to compute that there is a word count when commenting on a blog. I thought discussion was the point.
DeleteAs to John. I may not be welcome on his blog, for reasons of his own; I remarked on a comment of his on your blog. In a courteous manner. I even agreed with him. What is the problem?
Never mind. I do get the message.
U
I banned you on my blog Ursula because you were blatantly rude to me .
DeleteThis rudeness has admittedly be intermittent but I became tired that your innocuous and often courteous comments where dovetailed by the rude and nasty.
I won't give you another chance
And the fault is entirely yours
Apologies nick for hijacking this subject
DeletePlease delete my comments if you want
Comment number six, Nick. I know, soon I'll be banished to one of the circles of blogs' hell. Mitigating circumstance: Provoked. In the name of communication, I hope you'll let my reply to John stand. He addressed me. I'll be brief.
DeleteJohn, your statement "the fault is entirely yours" (ie mine) does make me smile. Not least in the face of the subject of Nick's post. And you are as unblemished as the driven snow. Good for you. It's nice to be able to live with oneself. If not with the fallout.
U
John, no worries.
DeleteRegretfully, I am a big brooder - it is a horrible state of affairs, maybe I should take a leaf out of your book - but my brooding is often about those things I haven't done rather than the things I have.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: I guess if your brain has a tendency to brood over things, there's not a lot you can do about it. Except maybe to try and focus on the future rather than the past?
DeleteI do sometimes feel badly about things I've done or said and make a point of apologizing and trying to make it right if possible. Then I let it go. I don't spend time brooding about that sort of thing or about decisions I've made. Regrets just weigh me down and I'd rather focus on the good that's resulted from various decisions. I think you learn lessons and then you return to peace with life.
ReplyDeleteAgent: I agree, too many regrets just weigh you down and stop you enjoying the present. Just learn lessons from whatever you did badly so you can do better in future.
DeleteI always try to work on the assumption that if it seemed the right thing to do at the time you shouldn't have regrets if it turns out not to be a good idea.
ReplyDeleteJoe: I do the same. We can't predict the future so of course some decisions are going to be bad ones. We just have to put it down to experience.
DeleteI think so many times people assume if they’d done differently some of the things they regret would have turned out better. In fact, they might have ended up worse for all they know.
ReplyDeleteBasically, I have no major regrets as made me who I am, so I don’t waste time or energy lamenting was was.
Joared: Indeed, who can say how a different decision would have worked out? We can't possibly know. As you say, the consequence might have been worse and not better.
Delete