In an American poll*, nearly two thirds of mothers said they felt they had been criticised for their parenting decisions, from their own family as much as from total strangers.
Discipline, sleep and diet were the topics that usually brought criticism, but anything was grist to the mill. I guess those who are long-time parents often feel entitled to criticise the supposed failings of new parents.
I don't criticise other people's behaviour, unless they're behaving especially badly. I don't even criticise people's table manners, something that gets a lot of people stewing.
And as a non-parent who has little idea of what parenting involves (apart from watching my own parents), and certainly not the day-after-day stress of living with volatile, self-centred, truculent youngsters, I wouldn't dare challenge a parent on his or her parenting skills.
So much of the criticism is a matter of opinion anyway. "Your children are being too noisy". "You should give him a good smack". "You're being too indulgent". "She's manipulating you". Mind your own business and shut the f--- up.
Looking back on my own childhood, I can see now that I must have been an absolute pain in the neck at times. I disagreed with my father on most things and I could be stubborn as a mule. Luckily he was a middle-class father who would think twice about clobbering me, however maddening I was being.
I have every sympathy for hard-pressed parents. However much you love your kids, there are times when they're simply utterly exhausting.
*A poll of 475 mothers of children under five by the C.S.Mott Children's Hospital in Ann Arbor, Michigan
Oh dear, I know absolutely nothing about this subject so I will shut up and go and play with my crayons.
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Ms Scarlet: Whatever you're doing with those naughty crayons, STOP IT AT ONCE!
DeleteYou don't criticize people's table manners? I do. Obviously not to their face - but my inner diarist does take note and will judge; be the judgment good, be it bad. And before you say it, yes, I do take cultural differences into account - not least since, some decades ago, someone (English) gave me hell (in England) as to how to break into a boiled egg. At breakfast. Yes, really. To gently tap and resolutely pick off the shell or to behead, that is the question. Thus wars break out. That I wasn't sent to the Tower is entirely due to my future mother-in-law's attempt at keeping her son in (my) eggs.
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Ursula: I know several of my blogmates get very upset at other people's dodgy table manners. Personally, I'm more interested in the quality of the food than whether someone's talking with their mouth full. My technique with eggs is beheading, but who cares?
DeleteI am at an age where even grand children are grown up and I cannot remember the hard days of bringing my son or them up. Lucky me. I have problems looking after dogs and cats.
ReplyDeleteRamana: If you can't remember the hard days, that suggests there weren't many of them and child-rearing must have been fairly easy.
DeleteMy in-laws did criticize our parenting of middle child (though it was usually behind our backs). Until one has a child with a disability, one has no clue!
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I can imagine. Most people are still remarkably ignorant about the difficulties of having a disabled child, and their needs and expectations. Hopefully I'm a bit more enlightened than most because of my disabled sister.
DeleteWe don't have kids, so I keep my mouth shut...it doesn't mean that I don't think that a number of parents do their kids no favours with their upbringing.
ReplyDeleteFly: Me too. I see the most alarming examples of parenting but I keep my lips well sealed.
DeleteI have a 28 year old daughter and a 6 year old grandson. being a parent is hard, I know that so I try not to be too opinionated. The only time I've ever said anything to a parent was when my neighbors were letting their toddler age kids stand in front of my door and bark at my dog. When I talked to the parents and they wouldn't do anything I ranted a bit on my blog and ended up putting a long piece of particle board in front of my door so they kids couldn't see in. Too many times parents just don't care what their germ goblins are doing and that's annoying.
ReplyDeleteMary: Children (and some adults) don't realise that annoying a dog can easily lead to the dog attacking someone. How typical that the parents didn't see any need to educate their kids.
DeleteI grew up with an extremely strict father. he spanked with a belt. my brother and I talk about the fact that he would be accused of child abuse these days. but I never felt abused. it was the way of the times then.
ReplyDeletewe had excellent table manners. anything less was forbidden! now I realize there are many 'cultural' differences. I watch many you tube channels of various couples in South Korea. their vlogs are very calming and somehow soothing. I've grown to really like them. they definitely don't go in for the 'selfie' thing that others do... but when they eat they slurp and chew just naturally without worrying how they sound! I definitely had to get used to hearing that! now I'm accustomed to it and it seems very natural. still I don't do it myself!
in some countries it's even a mark of respect to the cook apparently.
it's all very interesting isn't it. the different mores and eras and what's taught and expected and how it evolves! good post Nick. makes one think.
Tammy: Yes, it's interesting how other cultures have quite different ideas about things like table manners. Jenny tells me I eat noisily, but I'm unaware of it. I don't think I could do much about it at my time of life!
DeleteI don't recall us being criticized for how we raised Kaitlin, and it's way too late now for anyone to chime in. It's possible she turned out so well in spite of us. :D
ReplyDeleteJean: I sometimes think that's what happened to me - I turned out okay despite a bad-tempered father and a mother who never understood me in the slightest.
DeleteHelicopter parents are the worst I find. As they monitor everything. I am around a few young children and their parents want them "free range" but if they go to the park alone someone phones the authorities. It has gotten completely out of hand. A generation raised with every moment planned and monitored.
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www: I've heard a number of times that kids today are excessively monitored and supervised by over-anxious parents. When I was a kid, I wandered all over the place and my parents weren't at all concerned about where I was or what I was doing. They trusted me to behave sensibly.
DeleteI can remember a comment or two...that was totally uncalled for. Still rankles after all this time. About 38 yrs later...I don't know if I have ever criticized anyone that was doing the parenting...mainly cause everyone does a better job than me. LOL In all honesty, I would have loved to had my daughter for a mom.
ReplyDeleteShe has our one and only grand child, and the only think I ever said, which was in no way a criticism...is that none of use were going to do anything that really hurt our granddaughter...meaning I might not do exactly as she did or she might do things the way I do, but we both, well, all of us, love Lorelei to the moon and back...and here she is 10 yrs old and still the sunshine of our life.
only 'thing' not only 'think'
DeleteRose: Good to know you have such a great relationship with your daughter and granddaughter. Sounds like you've done a very good job as a mum. I just have one niece who I get on with very well.
DeleteI never welcomed other's criticisms or advice about parenting, so I don't interfere myself. UNLESS I see a child in danger (standing precariously in the seat of a shopping cart, say).
ReplyDeleteAgent: That's how I feel as well.
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