Wednesday 30 October 2019

Winging it

It's weird how my inner feelings can be so at odds with my outer self, or how other people see me. Despite being a very well organised person, I always feel the exact opposite - that I'm hopelessly disorganised, never quite on top of anything, always running to catch up, haphazardly responding to things.

To other people's eyes, I'm wonderfully organised. I meet people at the right place at the right time. I keep the house clean and tidy. There's always enough food indoors for a few decent meals. I keep track of all the money going in and out. I arrange domestic repairs promptly. I keep the garden in good order. Everything's ticking over nicely, no to-do lists full of tasks left undone for months. Who could ask for more?

Yet on the inside I always feel as if I'm desperately winging it, never properly prepared for anything, doing everything at the last minute, vaguely muddling through, leaving all sorts of loose ends and neglected chores. I feel that other people are much better organised than I am and I'm barely keeping my head above water. I feel that my apparent adeptness is some kind of lucky accident, nothing to do with any deliberate action on my part.

Perhaps I just don't want to believe that I'm well organised because it makes me look like some sort of goody goody, someone lacking in the normal human failings that people find endearing and comforting. People would prefer to know that the windowsills are thick with dust, the garden is an unkempt wilderness, the bed linen hasn't been changed for months, that faulty tap is still dripping, and there's nothing in the fridge but some stale cheese and one mouldy potato.

Sorry, but the goody goody seems to have the upper hand.

25 comments:

  1. Oh dear. You clearly are a perfectionist beset by some irrational anxiety. The perfectionist's plight that he chases rainbows when they are pasted to the sky above him. Unfortunately, perfectionists rarely look up.

    If you are so aware of the discrepancy between outer reality and your inner perception of it only one thing springs to mind. Actually it sprang from the mind of my in-house philosopher to whom I put your conundrum as he was about to set foot out of the house:

    "You can't wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep". Dig that one.

    U

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ursula: Oh, I'm not a perfectionist. Perfectionists are doomed to failure because nothing in the world is perfect, however much you want it to be. I just aim at minimum standards. Or possibly I aim at perfection but accept that I'll always fall short.

      You mean I'm pretending to be disorganised? Because it's more fun than being on top of everything?

      Delete
  2. This might be a case for Agent. I've got nothing! Though I've never understand those who wish to see failings in others. I find it awkward not endearing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bijoux: Ha, it might very well be! No, I don't understand the urge to find fault in other people either. And in the UK there seems to be an epidemic of just that right now. Apparent failings are subject to a torrent of online abuse.

      Delete
  3. What crossed my mind first is that we're all afraid of looking smug to the outside world. I never know what to do or where to look when people say you are "gifted" at whatever. I immediately want to show them mistakes I made in my knitting, in my photographs, in a published article. See? I'm just like you! is what I'm telling them. Not perfect. Fitting in. Being accepted.
    Amazing how we don't take pride - or you don't take pride in your excellent organizational skills or me in my accomplishments.

    XO
    WWW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. www: Me too. When I left my last job, everyone was heaping extravagant praise on me, but to my mind I was simply doing what I was expected to do. They were carefully omitting anything I'd made a mess of. And yes, in general we don't take enough pride in our accomplishments.

      Delete
  4. NOT this people!
    " People would prefer to know that the windowsills are thick with dust, the garden is an unkempt wilderness, the bed linen hasn't been changed for months, that faulty tap is still dripping, and there's nothing in the fridge but some stale cheese and one mouldy potato."
    give me YOUR type anytime! actually most people we tend to think of as heroes always say the same thing. and i truly don't think they're just being 'falsely modest' they really mean it. and you fall into that catergory to me... "just doing my job ma'am!" LOL!
    you do Nick. (but also doing that job very well.) xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tammy: I've known a few people whose homes really are as dishevelled as my example! And I agree, the true heroes just think they're doing their job.

      You'd have to check with Jenny if I'm really as well organised as I say I am, but I think she would quickly agree!

      Delete
  5. That's called cognitive dissonance. Where our minds tell us how other people see us is not real. My childhood message are wrong but they still speak loud and clear in my mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda: I hadn't thought of cognitive dissonance, but yes, you're right - contradictory beliefs that cause mental discomfort, especially beliefs that deny reality.

      Delete
  6. Ha! In spite of Bijoux's comment, I don't weigh in on the inner workings of people I know!

    Here's a little bit of synchronicity - just today I posted about organizing my clothes. But I have to disagree about preferring disorganized people. I have some friends I love IN SPITE of their disorganization/messiness but certainly not because of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agent: I've had a few friends like that as well. Really messy homes totally creep me out, I can't wait to get away and back to my own neatly ordered house.

      Delete
  7. Would you be my house husband please Nick! I used to be tidy and well organised when I was working, but I had to in order to fit everything in. Nowadays chores are done on a need to do basis! I know the inner feeling of winging it, I often feel panic but appear calm and organised on the outside.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Polly: Unfortunately I don't think my present employer would give me the time off. She works me like a trojan 24 hours a day.

      "I often feel panic but appear calm and organised on the outside." Me too, that's what's going on.

      Delete
  8. With the alarms and excursions involved in living with aomeone in poor health my time is not mine to organise as I would wish. I think I look competent...things get done on time...but I always feel rushed, afraid that I have forgotten something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fly: "Things get done on time...but I always feel rushed." That sounds familiar. People see what you've actually done, but they don't see all the panic and uncertainty that led up to it!

      Delete
  9. Perhaps that's the answer to the conundrum - all other people see is the smooth end-result, and only the person concerned is aware of all the sweat and tears and worry that went into achieving that end-result. So there's no contradiction, just the two sides of reality, depending on your viewpoint.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Replies
    1. Yes, I thought of that too (and its close relation self-doubt). But I don't think it quite fits. I don't believe that in reality I'm totally disorganised and I'm giving a false impression. It's just that I FEEL disorganised although I'm not.

      Delete
  11. One of the helpful phrases I've heard over the years is, "It's not helpful to compare how I feel with how they look." Which is another way of saying, "Compare my insides with their outsides."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda: I don't quite understand that. You mean that however a person looks, what's going on inside is what matters?

      Delete
    2. It means that just because they look like they have it together doesn't mean they feel like they have it together anymore than you feel like you do.

      Delete
  12. I am a well organised person and my inner and outer selves are not in conflict.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ramana: You're obviously a well-adjusted, well-balanced sort of chap.

      Delete
  13. "I`m looking for Ike Clanton, anybody knows where he is they better tell me now"

    "Hes upstairs Wyatt, tit-fucking the 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985"

    ReplyDelete