When I gave up journalism and became a bookseller, a lot of people were surprised and said I should have stayed in journalism - it was more exciting, better paid, more prestigious etc. I didn't agree with them, I took no notice, and I was irritated by their assumption they knew what was good for me. I spent many enjoyable years as a bookseller (23 in fact) and I never regretted quitting journalism.
When Jenny and I sold our flat in Islington in London and moved to Belfast, once again a lot of people were surprised and said we must be mad to move from a civilised city to an unpredictable trouble spot. We ignored the doubters and now we've been in Belfast for 19 very happy years. We don't miss London's congestion and high prices and pretensions in the least.
Luckily I've been treated to such gratuitous advice very rarely. Family members are renowned for dishing out earnest advice on every subject, but even my family has been reticent in this respect, despite my making decisions they must have found baffling or idiotic or disappointing. Of course that may be because my family are reticent about almost everything.
I try not to give unwanted advice to others, unless they specifically ask for it. How can I possibly know what's in the best interests of another person? Even if I've been through similar experiences, what was right for me isn't necessarily right for them. And suppose they followed my advice and came a cropper because of some crucial factor I wasn't even aware of? So much for my smart-alec interference.
Sometimes silence is golden.
Have you ever found yourself saying, to nobody in particular: Why didn't somebody tell me?!!
ReplyDeleteOther people aren't always wrong about what's best for me - I know this because I never listen and I've always been determined to learn the hard way!!
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As you know, I agree with you 100% on this. I loathe unsolicited advice. If I ask, that's fine and I will listen carefully. But I wish people could keep their opinions about what's best for me to themselves if I don't.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I've recently written two posts touching on this subject and agree with you.
ReplyDeletethe marine has taught me much about giving unrequested advice.
ReplyDeletehe simply never does it.
and he doesn't appreciate it when I give my opinion!
slowly but surely I've learned. it comes from a bad mothering instinct I have.
I see why children rebel!!! at least I've seen the error of my ways. at 74?
AAAGGGHH! he used to call me "the Fixer." that did it pretty quickly! lol
Ms Scarlet: I've been racking my brains, but right now I honestly can't think of any occasion when I've thought, why didn't someone tell me? But give me a few hours and I may think of something!
ReplyDeleteAgent: Yes, I was thinking of you when I wrote the post! Why do so many people think their random advice is absolutely what you need and is sure to fix your problem?
I don't mind people giving me advice. Other people's points of view have given me a lot of insight; often riffing on a different slant I hadn't thought of. Whether I act on their opinion/advice is entirely up to me. However, and that's possibly one of your laments, what is not so good is when you do NOT take someone's advice (for whatever reason) and they get all huffy, upset and sulky about it.
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Jean: I'm glad you feel the same way!
ReplyDeleteTammy: Yes, it's a kind of mothering instinct, isn't it? I guess if you've been a mother and you're used to giving your kids a helping hand, it's hard to let go and leave them to it once they're grown up.
Ursula: True, people can be quite offended if their precious advice is ignored. They're so convinced of the rightness of their advice that they just can't handle your indifference.
ReplyDeleteI've learned that when our daughter asks for my advice I need to say, "I'm sure whatever you decide will be right for you." I don't know what's best for her, do I? Isn't she really looking for an affirmation that what she's already decided is right, anyway?
ReplyDeleteWe absolutely have to let people, especially the young, have their heads when setting off on their life journeys.
ReplyDeleteIronically, I am often asked for advice by the young but all I ever, ever do is recount my own experiences in similar situations and what I learned from them.
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Linda: You're probably right that she's just looking for the seal of approval on what she's already decided. That's usually what I was looking for when I was young.
ReplyDeletewww: That's a very sensible response. Then they can draw whatever conclusions they want from what you've told them.
I think that has been one of my faults in the past but I try not to do it now. You'd have to ask my family if I have succeeded!
ReplyDeleteI think I've dealt a minimum of unsolicited advice. My oldest daughter once thanked me for letting her make her own mistakes. I think she was grateful. I was grateful she did not marry the boyfriend I was terrified she's chose. But, I did keep my mouth shut.
ReplyDeleteJenny: I hope their verdict would be a thumbs-up!
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Not saying anything about the iffy boyfriend must have been difficult. You must have been very relieved when he finally fell by the wayside.
Advice giving often depends on who is giving it, how it's done, and being familiar with the attitude of the person toward receiving advice from others. Generally, I think it's best to provide advice only if requested, but not necessarily absolute or with an expectation it should be followed. Even then, I'm more inclined to ask questions to cause the person to think -- to come up with various options that can lead them to making their own best choice 'cause they need to be responsibility for their actions and decisions.
ReplyDeleteJoared: I like that approach - prompt them to think about the various options and which might be the best, rather than just throwing out your own suggestions. As you say, the person needs to be fully responsible for their decision, so they can't just blame you if things go horribly wrong.
ReplyDeleteI found this to be more of an issue before the age of 30. I can't think of the last time anyone tried to give me advice. I've given advice to my kids, which seems to be a parental duty, but now that they are all adults, I take more of a backseat role.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: That's been my experience too. Once you're an adult, most people assume you know your own mind and just leave you to it. Not so with celebrities though - they're given unsolicited advice from just about everyone. They must get thoroughly sick of it.
ReplyDeleteI too dislike receiving unsought for advice and I do not offer any to anyone friend or family. Makes relationships more pleasant.
ReplyDeleteRamana: I agree. There's nothing like a bit of totally inappropriate advice to put a chill in the air....
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