Friday, 24 July 2015

Baseless rumours

For some years now the media have been suggesting that the supermodel Veronica Trinket and myself are an item. I keep denying this baseless rumour but they still spread it at every opportunity. Even stern legal warnings from Sue, Grabbit and Runne don't deter them.

Anyone with half a brain can see how absurd this idea is. Firstly, I'm very happily married to a red-hot spouse. Secondly, what on earth would a twenty something supermodel see in a crumbling oldie like myself? Thirdly, I suspect there's no such person as Veronica Trinket but the media haven't even bothered to check.

The willowy young blonde who frequently visits me while my partner is away from home is certainly not this Trinket person. She is simply the landscape gardener who tends to the shrubs and young trees when they need some attention. On occasion I offer her a cup of tea or a chocolate biscuit, but absolutely nothing else is offered or asked for. It's true that she bears a slight resemblance to Ms Trinket but that's obviously a mere visual coincidence.

The grainy photos of a smiling young girl, strongly implied to be the secret love-child of our clandestine relationship, are plainly faked by some enterprising newshound whose journalistic career is faltering. The missing left ear and the toeless right foot clearly suggest some rather clumsy fabrication.

As for those doddery old gits who stop me in the street and ask me what my secret is and how they can "grab a bit of the girlie action", I shoo them away with a contemptuous snort. All I'm grabbing at my age is blood pressure pills and reading glasses. They shouldn't believe everything they hear.

Pic: an alleged photo of the alleged Veronica Trinket

24 comments:

Ursula said...

I see, hours later, that you have left your readership speechless. And that includes me. There is always a first.

U

Nick said...

Ursula: My bizarre imaginary scenarios aren't everyone's cup of tea. In fact they seem to be nobody's cup of tea. *sound of slow handclapping rises to a crescendo*

Bijoux said...

I'm never sure what to make of these posts. British humor? Maybe us Yankees just don't get it?

Helen Devries said...

I'm glad you out out a disclaimer...Ms. Trinket might have included you in the gagging order otherwise,..

Secret Agent Woman said...

I never know what to say about these, so I usually just don't.

kylie said...

these posts always come after one that touches a nerve.

CheerfulMonk said...

I love it! Well done! I especially liked, "All I'm grabbing at my age is blood pressure pills and reading glasses."

Nick said...

Bijoux: Very British humour. Monty Python, Private Eye, the Daily Mash. American humour is a whole other thing. Though I adore Jon Stewart and Tina Fey. The problem is that I have very few British blogmates and a lot of American ones....

Helen: Jeez, yes, there might have been a gagging order. And then my silence would be seen as confirmation that I had something to hide.

Nick said...

Agent: Fair enough. I know you're always baffled by my crazy flights of fancy!

Kylie: They do? I'd never noticed that. I'm not deliberately putting up a smokescreen or trying to run away from something.

Jean: You get it! You share my madness! Now where are my reading glasses? I can't read the label on my blood pressure pills....

tammy j said...

LOLOLOL!!!!!
there is a book in you you know.
i'll be the first to want an autographed copy! xo

Nick said...

Tammy: Yes, you get it too! It takes a certain warped way of looking at the world. Some people are just too grounded in stark reality (not that I'm saying that's wrong).

People often say there's a book in me, and I've tried writing one. But I got poleaxed by total writer's block after 100 pages. Page 101 remained stubbornly blank.

Nick said...

Hey, Ursula, things are looking up! You can't keep my blogmates silent for long....

Jay, Sparking Synapse said...

Haha! Well, I for one didn't believe a word of it, anyway. Veronica Trinket, indeed. Veronica Trophy I might have believed, but Trinkets are clearly beneath your notice.

Nick said...

Jay: Veronica Trophy? Now there's a thought. Or Veronica Triumph? But apparently she's from the fabulously wealthy Trinket family (Trinket Aviation, Trinket Oil, Trinket Real Estate etc). Or so the media claims.

Secret Agent Woman said...

No, that's not it. I get them, it's just I don't really have a response to them.

Nick said...

Agent: Oh, okay. Responses aren't yet compulsory!

Keith Smith said...

I was only saying to, Jane Collins, (my personal masseuse/slave) last night "You can never believe Nick, he makes it up as he goes along, shame really".

Nick said...

Keith: Jeez, we have the same masseuse - what an amazing coincidence. Jane's been relaxing and de-stressing me for years. She could give you a few spicy insights into my tangled psyche, but her lips are sealed. Clever of her to rubbish everything by saying I make it all up. She's dating Tracey Emin, apparently.

Keith Smith said...

Touché !

Nick said...

Blimey, bilingual and all.

Rummuser said...

You should tell all the old geezers that the secret is a won lottery.

Nick said...

Ramana: Ah yes, the three reliable aphrodisiacs - money, power and fame. If you have one of those, I'm sure there's no shortage of eager bedmates.

Liz Hinds said...

Yeah, yeah, we believe you, Nick.

Nick said...

Liz: Of course you do. Everyone knows I speak the unvarnished truth at all times, and a lie has yet to cross my lips.