Wednesday, 3 December 2014
I hope you are well. I hope that your new diet is working and that Alcoholics Anonymous is keeping you off the booze.
Gosh, there are so many things I want for Christmas, I don't know where to start. Here are some of them anyway:
1) A perfect memory that actually remembers everything. Like the plots of books and TV dramas. Like people's names. Like whichever shop it was that had that brilliant potato peeler.
2) Super-fast legs so I can forget the car and walk the seven miles to work in ten minutes.
3) A maximum body-weight setting so that however much chocolate cake, trifle and ice cream I eat, I don't gain an ounce.
4) Fluency in several languages so I can read all those great books that have never been translated into English.
5) A female body for a month so I can wear all those fabulous clothes I can only drool over as a bloke.
6) A totally adjustable body temperature, so I'm always comfortable however cold or hot the climate, and I don't need central heating or air conditioning.
7) Telepathy, so I know whether someone is telling the truth or lying non-stop. Or whether they're just pretending to like me.
8) Infinite empathy. However extreme a person's emotions, I can understand them instantly. I can feel exactly what they're feeling.
9) The gift of the gab. Whoever the person, whatever their situation, I always have something to say, and it's always what they want to hear.
10) A magic wand that will melt all the pain in other people's hearts.
I think that's enough to be going on with. Don't worry if there's one or two you can't manage. I know you must be awfully busy!
I hope Mrs Claus has recovered from the flu and that the elves aren't dabbling with the crack cocaine again.
Big hugs, Nick
PS: You're my favourite person ever in all the world!