Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Dear Santa

Dear Santa

I hope you are well. I hope that your new diet is working and that Alcoholics Anonymous is keeping you off the booze.

Gosh, there are so many things I want for Christmas, I don't know where to start. Here are some of them anyway:

1) A perfect memory that actually remembers everything. Like the plots of books and TV dramas. Like people's names. Like whichever shop it was that had that brilliant potato peeler.

2) Super-fast legs so I can forget the car and walk the seven miles to work in ten minutes.

3) A maximum body-weight setting so that however much chocolate cake, trifle and ice cream I eat, I don't gain an ounce.

4) Fluency in several languages so I can read all those great books that have never been translated into English.

5) A female body for a month so I can wear all those fabulous clothes I can only drool over as a bloke.

6) A totally adjustable body temperature, so I'm always comfortable however cold or hot the climate, and I don't need central heating or air conditioning.

7) Telepathy, so I know whether someone is telling the truth or lying non-stop. Or whether they're just pretending to like me.

8) Infinite empathy. However extreme a person's emotions, I can understand them instantly. I can feel exactly what they're feeling.

9) The gift of the gab. Whoever the person, whatever their situation, I always have something to say, and it's always what they want to hear.

10) A magic wand that will melt all the pain in other people's hearts.

I think that's enough to be going on with. Don't worry if there's one or two you can't manage. I know you must be awfully busy!

I hope Mrs Claus has recovered from the flu and that the elves aren't dabbling with the crack cocaine again.

Big hugs, Nick

PS: You're my favourite person ever in all the world!


Nick said...

Clearly my sense of humour has fallen on stony ground....

Anonymous said...

I read this!

I really don't want anything. The house is getting cluttered. I hate when that happens.

Nick said...

Susie: Oh yes, if we're talking of material possessions, I've got everything I could possibly want already. Well, except books. And music albums. And chocolate cake. And wine.

Secret Agent Woman said...

Didn't you ever hear the rule that Santa brings ONE big gift?

CheerfulMonk said...

:D I'm not asking for anything this Christmas. But number 6 would be great if it really existed.

Nick said...

Agent: Oh, is that right? Damn damn damn.

Jean: Number 6 would save an awful lot of aggravation. And all that endless moaning from everyone else about how frigging cold it is.

Nick said...

Of course some people don't believe in Santa Claus. They say he doesn't exist. Bloody cynics.

Ursula said...

Letter from Mother Christmas:

Dear Nick, stop being precious.

No 6 and No 9 on your wishlist so very telling about who Nick is.

No 6 "whether they're just pretending to like me". If you can't tell what difference does it make?

No 9)"The gift of the gab. Whoever the person, whatever their situation, I always have something to say, and it's always what they want to hear."

My poor poor Nick, I shall grant you your wish for "gift of the gab", not least because it contradicts your often asserted wish to blend into the background. The gift I will NOT grant, and it's for your own good, that what you have to say is "always what they want to hear." WANT TO HEAR, Nick? Are you a people pleaser, a puppet on a string or your own man?

Walnut and clementine greetings,

Nick said...

Ursula: Well, I could have the gift of the gab and be babbling away to someone and still merge into the background. Unless I'm deliberately attracting attention by shouting or saying something outrageous of course.

What I meant by "what they want to hear" is simply that I'm saying something appropriate and of interest to them rather than something totally self-absorbed. I don't mean that I'm trying to please the crowd. That way madness lies.

Nick said...

Ursula: Ah, walnuts and clementines! I loved getting those in my Christmas stocking. And all those little toys and chocolate bars. Heaven!

Bijoux said...

I always just ask for shower gel and candles. I like stuff that smells good.

Nick said...

Bijoux: A good choice. My favourite present would probably be a book, except that nobody could be sure whether I'd like their choice of book or not. Or else I've already read it. So in practice it tends to be something else, like a jumper.

keith said...

Of course Santa doesn't exist, neither did Robin Hood, King Arthur,
The Greek Gods,Isis, Horus, et al. I know that for certain because the Queen of the Faeries, who lives in the compost heap at the top of my garden, told me so!

CheerfulMonk said...

Back to snobbery, the topic of the last post. Have you read this article?

Nick said...

Keith: Ooh, I'm so jealous. How did you manage to find the Queen of the Faeries? I've had a crush on her for years but she keeps slipping away from me.

Jean: That's an excellent piece about the engrained British obsession with class and snobbery. I especially like this: "It’s difficult to think of another country where every time personages are in the news, let alone when they die, they are classified by the school they attended as a prepubescent youngster."

Rummuser said...

No, Nick, your sense of humour has not fallen on stony ground. I for one have been over busy with other matters.

I will try and be Santa this year. I said, try!

Nick said...

Ramana: I'll leave out the mince pies and sherry for you. Please try not to spread too much soot as you squeeze down the chimney....