Wednesday, 23 October 2013

The unflinching truth

Prepare yourselves! My new no-holds-barred autobiography, out tomorrow from Snipcock and Tweed ("Counting The Cost", 872 pages, £24.99) will be a shattering expos√© of my chequered and controversial life, marked by brutal honesty, eye-watering revelations, and unflinching hatchet jobs on all my friends and relatives.

Humiliating financial circumstances have forced me to relive all those notorious, headline-grabbing episodes I'd prefer to forget and plumb the depths of gratuitous muck-raking and character assassination.

Recoil at the sordid details of the all-night chocolate cookie binge. The hysterical outburst on the number 4A bus. The uplift bra calamity. The awkward stumble on the loose paving-stone. The mangled credit card. Images that will haunt you for weeks. Insights that will change your life.

The complete story of the runaway pram is told for the first time. The frail pensioner who lost her left leg. The giant egg. The missing sock. The burnt toast. The unbelievable chain of events that led to one of the biggest disasters in post-war British history. Including newly-discovered, stomach-churning photos.

Nothing is spared in the account of my tragic unrequited crush on Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. The repeated visits from her 20-stone bodyguards, the restraining orders, the arson attacks on my country hideaway, the sabotaged car brakes, my poisoned Alsatians. I make no secret of my tormented heart, my hopeless misery, my searing emotions.

I nail once and for all the persistent rumours that I was born with three legs. I prove that the photos were faked and the so-called reliable source was an alcoholic welder from Dundee. I reveal the real owner of the amputated leg, a 90-year-old widow called Fiona.

All this and more in the literary sensation of 2013. Buy it now or be out of the loop! An ideal topic for dull dinner parties! And at 872 pages, the perfect doorstop! What are you waiting for?

PS: Rats! All copies of the book have had to be withdrawn following a legal writ from Ms Huntington-Whiteley. She claims there are numerous defamatory statements, unauthorised photographs and factual errors in chapter seven. I can't say right now when the book will be re-published.

15 comments:

Z said...

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I couldn't stop laughing. One day, I intend to read it.
(Groucho Marx, of course)

Ursula said...

Seriously funny, Nick. As door stoppers go: It's a bargain.

U

Nick said...

Z: I can't stop laughing either. £24.99? What a fabulous scam!

Ursula: If you're interested, there's also "The Wit and Wisdom of Nick Here and Now". A solid 1,028 pages and only £19.99. Hurry while stocks last!

Rummuser said...

Please arrange for a Kindle edition. I shall download forthwith. I have no space left for even a five page catalogue in my home. Thank you.

Nick said...

Ramana: A Kindle edition will be available. It includes the infamous sonnet that led to Nick's expulsion from the prestigious Scrotum College for Boys.

Jenny Woolf said...

Literary sensation of the century! :)

Nick said...

Jenny: Oh, absolutely. Apparently it's a red-hot talking-point right across the globe. Even in the Maldives and Madagascar, they're snapping up copies like nobody's business.

Wisewebwoman said...

Wot? No sex - capades or otherwise?

Disappointed.

XO
WWW

Nick said...

www: Oh, there's plenty of sex. In fact most of chapter six chronicles my on-off relationship with the supermodel Veronica "Voluptua" Trinket and the night I fled from Ronnie's flat as a hail of expensive crockery smashed and splintered around me.

Grannymar said...

Which day will you be signing copies and where? Only a copy with a personal message will do me!

Nick said...

Grannymar: A personal message? What are you implying? Really, someone of your age should know better. I'm shocked.

Liz said...

I can't wait! It doesn't seem to be available on Amazon yet. please rectify that immediately!

Nick said...

Liz: What, not available on Amazon? I shall contact them immediately and demand an explanation. Was it that nude photo of Veronica Trinket opposite page 104, I wonder?

bonsaimum said...

LOL. I need more paper to shred for the chooks!!

Nick said...

Bonsaimum: Well, at 872 pages, that should provide a mountain of shredded paper! In fact, the publisher has thoughtfully included a pre-shredded option for animal-lovers. Just tick the box marked Pre-Shredded when you place your order.