Thursday, 22 September 2011

Crystal balls

Just what will my future bring? I really want some clarity here, I don't like being in the dark about the rest of my life. So I decided to consult the renowned Esme Plunge, clairvoyant and palmist, the oracle all the celebs swear by. Well, Harry Potter anyway.

I sidled warily into her gawdy consulting room, with its oriental knicknacks, flocked wallpaper and red-tinted lighting. Why do psychics always go in for such aesthetic vulgarity?

Her androgynous appearance, consisting of a heavy, muscular physique in a frilly blouse, a long floral skirt and three inch heels, made me wonder if she was a transvestite or a trainee transexual. I tried to concentrate on the matter in hand.

She peered intently into her crystal ball. "Ah, I see a wonderful future for you, dear. You will win three million pounds in the lottery, marry a famous actress and become a dog-breeder. I'm so pleased for you, darling."

"But I never do the lottery" I said. "I'm already happily married to the world's sexiest woman and I can't stand dogs - boisterous, slobbering, yapping, half-witted creatures. I'm afraid your crystal ball must be out for lunch."

"Oh no, dear, that's where you're wrong. You may think your life is fixed but the next twelve months will bring big changes, very big indeed. Hold on to your clutch bag, you're in for a bumpy ride."

I fixed her with a steely glare. "I've never heard such 24-carat bollocks" I said. "If you're a clairvoyant, I'm a rattlesnake. Be warned, I shall report you to Trading Standards in the morning. Good day."

As I made good my escape, I heard a volley of foul-mouthed expletives from her consulting room. This is going straight onto Facebook, I thought. Oracle to the stars, my arse. More like Tiffany's epiphanies.

Pic: The extraordinary Esme Plunge.

13 comments:

blackwatertown said...

Just because you can't handle the truth, don't blame the messenger.

I remember a local newspaper where the journos took it in turns to make up the horoscopes. It was part of the job - a rotating task. Saggitarians tended to get a hard time no matter who was doing it that week.

Nick said...

Blackwater - Ha ha. You mean, I AM going to win three million in the lottery? I also took my turn writing the horoscopes when I was a local newspaper journalist some 40 odd years ago.

nursemyra said...

Why did you visit her in the first place Nick?

Grannymar said...

People said I was cynical but I knew it, I always knew it - the journos took it in turns to make up the horoscopes!

@nursemyra - Maybe Nick is writing a book...

Nick said...

Myra - Certainty, I want certainty! I want to know what my future will bring. Happiness? Misery? Wealth? Poverty? I'm a sort of control freak about the future....

Grannymar - And that's not the only thing journos make up. But my imagination isn't fertile enough to produce an entire book. I'm very envious of those who can.

Rummuser said...

She wasn't Sally Morgan was she? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2040285/What-load-crystal-balls-As-Dianas-psychic-accused-cheating-stage-TV-illusionist-exposes-trickery-fool-audience.html

Nick said...

Ramana - That's an interesting article about the trickery so-called psychics get up to and how easily gullible people can be fooled. Interesting also the shedloads of cash they can make in the process.

Eryl said...

I can see you as a dog breeder. And you never know your wife might be chosen, as she steps out of Sainsbury's having just bought your (joint) very first lottery ticket on a whim, to star in the next George Clooney film, and become an overnight sensation.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

What a coincidence! I received a horoscope by email today, unsolicited, which said that great fortune was in the cards for me but that w/o subscribing to the psychic tarot reader's services for a mere $35/month, things would go terribly wrong. Hell in a handbasket. I wrote back, "I bet you say that to all the girls."

Tony said...

I salute you! That's nothing though. Uri Gellar was on the radio the other morning banging on about his paranormal abilities...even after he was caught peeping through his fingers and busting forks with a crafty flick of the wrist. The audacity of those people! They are enemies of reason and everyone should be made aware of it!

kylie said...

nick you are getting your blog mixed up with facebook. recession here, transvestites there :)

Nick said...

Eryl - What are you, clairvoyant or something? Of course, that's exactly how it's going to pan out. But I'll have to keep a very close eye on her while George is around.

Heart - Never heard of that little scam. I'm sure some poor gullible souls will actually pay the $35 for fear of impending disaster.

Nick said...

Tony - I don't know about that episode you describe, but I know there have been a lot of claims that Geller is a fraud and uses various tricks to "bend" cutlery.

Kylie - Sorry, everything's spilling over into everything else. It's a nightmare. I've called the emergency services.