Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Wild card

Female admirer: So what's your next post about, Nick?

Nick: I've got nothing more to say. I've said it all. Everything. I've covered all angles. Peeked in every window.

FA: Don't be silly. There must be hundreds of exciting and important things you've never even thought about.

Nick: Nope. They've all been aired. All my absurd neuroses, from A to Z. All my political dogmas, in mind-numbing detail. All my sexual fetishes, complete with lurid graphics.

FA: I don't remember anything about sexual fetishes. Are you sure about that? Give me some examples.

Nick: I'm sorry, but on legal grounds, for health and safety reasons, and to protect the privacy of individuals who're now in very prominent positions in public life, I can't make any further comments.

FA: How disappointing. You could have given us some fascinating insights into the dark corners of your tangled personality, the seamy undercurrents of your complex inner life.

Nick: I doubt it. I'm quite ordinary, really. I'm just your bog-standard bloke in the street, the man on the Clapham omnibus, the guy with the pie. Well, apart from the cross-dressing and the chicken impersonations, obviously.

FA: Obviously. But all these horrifying world events. The floods in Pakistan. The dwindling helium reserves. The sudden popularity of padded bras. You must have something to say about these extraordinary developments?

Nick: Nah, it's all been said much better by a thousand overpaid hacks. Why say it all again? You're not wearing a padded bra, I hope?

FA: Jeez, what do you take me for? I'm 100 per cent natural from top to bottom.

Nick: Sure, and the Pope's a Buddhist. Now if you'll excuse me, I think the guinea pig's eating my mascara.

27 comments:

Baino said...

Haha nothing wrong with cross dressing as long as it's tasteful. Can't stand those fish net stockings and orange psychodelic swirls.

Nick said...

Baino - Fish net stockings are okay with the right ensemble. But orange psychedelic swirls are just too too vulgar, darling.

Brighid said...

You just need a vacation here in California. There is enough material here to keep you busy for years. The feedstore I worked in was often visited by a cross dressing gentleman. He always wore a bright orange turban,and crew socks with high heels...

e said...

I have some black fishnets that you would adore...and, if you were to vacation here, there would be plenty of blog fodder as well.

secret agent woman said...

"I'm just your bog-standard bloke in the street, the man on the Clapham omnibus, the guy with the pie."

What in the hell does this mean?

Megan said...

What kind of pie?

Wisewebwoman said...

I've been reading you forever and would love a re-run of all those fetishes (and surely you've added some new ones?)
And what is it about you and the pies anyway?
XO
WWW

Nick said...

Brighid - Jenny and I have had our eye on San Francisco for years but we've never quite got there. Hopefully it'll happen soon. Crew socks and high heels, perfect. Bright orange turbans, Lordy Lordy!

e - Black fishnets, yummy! I'm sure California's just MY sort of place. Except that it's broke, of course.

Secret Agent - What the hell does any of it mean? Actually if I ever turned into a bog-standard bloke, I'd shoot myself.

Nick said...

Megan - It just popped into my head, "the guy with the pie". It could mean anything. Apple pie? Pork pie? Pecan pie? Not that I've ever eaten pecan pie, am I missing something?

www - I'll see what I can do about the fetishes. But I'll have to get clearance from all those Very Important People. I could ruin them with a mouse-click. What d'you mean, me and the pies? I've never mentioned pies before. Or have I?

Grannymar said...

A Pie fetish - does it war fishnets? I want to hear all about it!

Nick said...

Grannymar - I categorically deny any pie fetish. This is an ugly, malicious rumour put about by those trying to undermine my global success. Once again I shall have to consult my lawyers, Sue Grabbit and Runne.

Scarlet Blue said...

I WANT PICS OF PIE!!!!!
This could be the new pie blog that everybody craves. We're all tired of the old pie blog.
OR, have you considered turning this into a sausage roll blog?
A sausage roll is for life, not just for Christmas.
Sx

Rummuser said...

No Nick, there is a lot more to come from that fertile imagination of yours. Your FA did not just know which buttons to push.

Nick said...

Scarlet - This is getting worrying. I'm being stalked by pies, determined to infiltrate my blog at any cost. And now you've given sausage rolls the same idea, you wretch.

Ramana - My admirers are so demanding, sometimes the pressure becomes too much, I just have to retire to a darkened room with some powerful sedatives. The heavy burden of fame....

kate said...

very impressive - I make good pies too..... and i happen to have a couple of wigs you could borrow - to complete the ensemble! Just let me know!

Nick said...

I think it's you lot who have a pie fetish, not me.

Kate - You have some wigs? The Jerry Hall look would be pretty hot. Do you have something in that line? Or even Jerry Hall herself would do.

kylie said...

you keep talking about fetishes without actually talking about fetishes!
you're just a gigantic tease, nicky!

Nick said...

Kylie - Actually most of my fetishes are the typical male ones - lacy underwear, high heels, long hair, tight dresses. I'm struggling to think of anything really bizarre. Handcuffs and whips do nothing for me....

But I seem to recall you're equally reticent!

kylie said...

i'm pretty straight.....

Nick said...

Kylie - As I expected. Somehow I can't see you as Miss Whiplash....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You'll love San Francisco, where every day is Halloween. Could you please post some pictures of you impersonating a chicken in a padded bra? (You thought that was all breast meat?)

Nick said...

Heart - I seem to have lost the pictures, I shall have to take some more. Are you after Dolly Parton proportions or just some gentle hillocks?

Nick said...

By a strange coincidence, last night I watched the film Waitress, whose heroine is a brilliant pie-maker. She has hundreds of mouth-watering recipes and ends up opening her own pie diner. A movie for pie buffs everywhere!

Megan said...

Love that movie!

Pecan pie, though...well, I think that's an acquired taste.

Nick said...

Megan - It's a great movie. So true to life. Pecan pie is an acquired taste? I could try to acquire it, except that I've never seen any pecan pies on sale, I'd have to make one myself.

Brighid said...

Pecan pie is to die for good. Of course you realize that California is the nut capitol, but not that kind of nut!

Nick said...

Brighid - I shall track down some pecan pie by hook or by crook. Ah yes, California's reputation for the unconventional is pretty well-known. I think it started in the sixties with all the drugs and psychedelia? Haight-Ashbury, we were told, was THE place to be.