Monday, 13 October 2008

Anti-climax

How can we all improve our quality of life? Well, 105 year old Clara Meadmore has the answer - stay a virgin and don't waste your time thinking about sex.

"I imagine there's a lot of hassle involved and I've always been busy doing other things" she says. "I made up my mind at the age of 12 never to marry and I've never gone back on that."

The Cornish centenarian insists she's never even tried it. And why should I doubt her? She maintains gardening, cooking and listening to the radio are pleasure enough.

She may have a point. Just think of all the time we fritter away satisfying our carnal lusts. Not to mention all the texts, emails, phone calls and feverish daydreams hoping for more of the same.

Without all that, office productivity would rocket, we would pay more attention to the world's problems, we would remember that upcoming wedding anniversary, and we would finally get to grips with Marcel Proust.

There'd be no more squeezing into overtight dresses, teetering on painful heels, or stuffing socks down Y-fronts. Oh, and I wouldn't have wasted hundreds of hours obsessing over my totally unreciprocated longings for the gorgeous Elena*.

Actually, remarkable as it may seem, sex hardly crossed my mind until my early twenties. Even at boarding school, I never joined the other boys in their furtive fumblings under the bedclothes. But once I discovered this age-old pursuit, there was no looking back. Clara Meadmore I was not.

But if we'd all been virgins our entire life, would we actually have missed all those sweaty couplings? Or would we just wonder why other people were so fixated on fleeting orgasms and why they spent so much time chasing after them?

How much of our sexual appetite is fed by outside influences and how much is a natural impulse? The two are so entangled, it's impossible to say.

* The name has been changed to avoid marital disharmony

16 comments:

Hullaballoo said...

Fleeting orgasms? What are they? How about multiple number crunching orgasms eh?

And sex improves our immunity, relaxes us, enhances sleep, heightens intimacy, is great fun, satisfies our need for incident and (along with belly dancing) brings us more inc ontact with our bodies.

We need less tv, internet and virtual entertainment and more genuine carnal coupling. So there!

And anyway, if she's never tried it, how does she know she's not missing anything?

Nick said...

Hulla - You're preaching to the converted here! I did try abstaining once but it didn't last very long! It's true that having sex regularly improves your health (a 105 year old virgin notwithstanding). And as you say, if she's never tried it, how can she judge?

Thriftcriminal said...

Well I once heard the comment "there's more to life than a squence of orgasms. Nothing wrong with it, but there does seem to be an undue emphasis on it.

Why?

Because it sells. Sells useless shit to people who aren't getting enough. Shabby huh?

Nick said...

Absolutely, Thrifty, most of the emphasis on sex is for commercial purposes. Goodness knows how many thousands of people have protested at the total irrelevance of semi-naked women draped over car bonnets, but the car firms are oblivious.

Wisewebwoman said...

Aside to Hull:
"What is need for incident"? Is your life that boring? ;^)
I never had time either for fleeting orgasms, though I must say they come in all sorts, like most good things in life.
And how can this woman make any pronouncement on sex?
However, and it is a big however, there is so-so sex and sublime sex. i.e. tantric sex, and that is so rare but not to be missed and it might change this woman's mind.
XO
WWW

Suburbia said...

Frittering away time satisfying carnal lusts and enjoying feverish daydreams... what else is there? Have I missed something?!

Nick said...

www - This is it, how can her opinion be worth anything if she's never had a go? I suspect something must have put her off it when she was young. Indeed, sex can range from banal to sublime, and the latter makes it all worthwhile! But somehow I don't think she's going to change her mind at 105.

Suburbia - True, why not fritter away and daydream occasionally? Are we supposed to have our noses to the grindstone 24/7?

Nicole said...

Yeah, right! You made this woman up! If I had her self-discipline, I'd be 10 lbs lighter and have an extra $10,000 in my bank account.

Nick said...

Nicole - Yes, such self-discipline in other areas would really work wonders! But has anybody seriously investigated her rather amazing claim? Perhaps someone will come forward and reveal that he and Clara had a passionate affair 50 years ago....

gaudiumdelingua said...

HEY! Like everyone else around, I owe my BE-ing today to that sexual appetite! (not that I need the extra imagery of my mum and dad at it, eeew)

I would rather live 50 years less than Clara Meadmore, than depriving myself from the awesomeness of sex my entire life.

Whatever makes her happy I guess. Now all she needs is someone (male of female) to introduce her to the joys of having a clitoris. Then we'll see if she regrets not having done it all her life or not. I triple dare her to try it. Hmmm actually, at 105 would there be any nerve ends that can still transmit any feeling up to the brain? If not, I still wouldn't want to live that long.

Carnal lusts rule my world, aight?

:D

gaudiumdelingua said...

I meant "male OR female" not OF.
Maybe too much sex affects typing adversely. (if there is anything called too much sex that is)

Nick said...

GayƩ - I agree, I'd rather live a few years less than be deprived of so much fun. Good question, are the required nerve endings still functioning? Any other 105 year olds out there who'd like to tell us?

Au contraire, people who have sex regularly are said to have higher intelligence scores. If your typing's awry, you're obviously not getting enough....

conortje said...

Is this post sponsored by the Catholic church by any chance?

Nick said...

Damn, you guessed. The next post is of course on the abomination of sodomy. It's a nice little earner, so it is.

Quickroute said...

Is that a photo of Clara top of post? - damn she looks fine!

Nick said...

Quicky - Indeed, the rejuvenating effect of abstinence is of course well-known. No, actually I couldn't find her photo. That's a normal woman imagining Johnny Depp sprawled on her bed.