Friday, 16 May 2008

Resisting Voluptua

Well, Jenny's in London for a while, so to mitigate the appalling loneliness (especially now I'm jobless), my dear friend Voluptua is hanging out with me and keeping me up to date with all the celeb gossip.

But she's such an awful tease. She will insist on showing me her new enlarged bosom and her pink lacy underwear, and I have to keep telling her it really isn't appropriate, I'm a happily married man and I have to resist temptation.

I'm forced to keep the bedroom permanently locked to prevent her draping herself provocatively on the four-poster bed and eyeing certain parts of my body suggestively. If this goes on, I might be compelled to end a beautiful friendship and show her the door.

The last time Jenny returned from one of her trips, she discovered several intimate items of Voluptua's and dreadful scenes ensued. I was confined to the garden shed for a week and allowed only bread and water. She simply didn't believe I was going through one of my transvestite phases. The lipstick just isn't your colour, she said.

So now I really have to watch my step and resist Voluptua's delectable body, or there'll be hell to pay. I'll find my bags have been packed and thrown into the front garden.

Voluptua and I are sticking to strictly respectable activities, mainly involving lines of white powder and extensive online gambling. Fortunately she's agreed to foot the bill to celebrate her lucrative modelling contract with New U Beauty Salons.

This shameless hedonism will as usual have to be followed up with a week's retreat at the Sacred Order of Divine Bliss to unscramble my delirious brain. Luckily the nuns know just what I need.

Photo: Voluptua is suddenly camera-shy.

17 comments:

Grannymar said...

Of course I didn't want to show my face! I'm shy ;)

Nick said...

For goodness sake, Grannymar, shhhh, your real identity is meant to be a secret. Now the whole world will know the truth.

Baino said...

Hahah . . .Nick you're imagination is running wild. Put some bromide in your tea! Either that or GrannyMar has suddenly become overly hersute

Wisewebwoman said...

You know Nick this is the very best way of securing Jenny's undivided attention.
GM's alter ego is irrestible, n'est pas?
XO
WWW

Nick said...

Baino - Imagination? Are you suggesting this is all a figment of my fevered brain? How very dare you.

www - Ah, Jenny's undivided attention, 'twould be a fine thing. She's usually frantically multi-tasking.

Hullaballoo said...

I blame the recent hot weather, it's obviously given you notions lol!

I want a wig like Voluptua's, it's amazing.

Gimme gimme gimme!

Nick said...

Hulla, that's not a wig, it's the real thing - or so Voluptua insists. If she happens to doze off, I'll check it out. Of course, if it IS a wig, I'll want to try it first....

Nick said...

Oh and btw, www, what's this GM? Are you telling me Grannymar has been genetically modified? That explains her perennial chirpiness.

Voluptua said...

Who is this impertinent Hullabaloo who thinks I'm wearing a wig? This is what the Good Lord gave me, I'll have you know. You'll be saying I've had work done next, you cheeky little monkey.

Hullaballoo said...

Voluptua, I challenge you to a dual, then we will see once and for all whose hair is the real thing.

And with a name like Voluptua, I bet you were teased in the school playground. Good job you grew up a little and found your true vocation in life as a nylon porn star. Flakey fake - I'm soooo not scared of you!

Voluptua said...

I couldn't possibly have my hair examined by a mere member of the public. Only my circle of loyal and discreet aides are permitted to see me au naturelle. And Nick of course but he's being unnecessarily strait-laced.

I never talk about my childhood. Any former classmate who speaks out of turn is quickly dealt with by one of my entourage. I will reveal only that I had an idyllic and carefree childhood on the family estate in the Cotswolds. Rumours that I was brought up on a drug-ridden council estate in Bradford are totally untrue.

Medbh said...

What juicy celeb gossip has Voluptua shared?
I actually pre-ordered a book that's soon to be published full of Hollywood stories. Can't wait.

Nick said...

Medbh, I'm only told these juicy titbits on condition I keep them strictly to myself. Unless I get a suitably generous offer from one of the tabloids of course....

Matt said...

Could Voluptua be a by-product of your bottled up emotions described in the previous post? I was going to suggest you force yourself to have a good cry, but now it looks like you may be onto something.

Nick said...

Matt - You mean Voluptua is a sublimation of my hidden emotions? I'll ask Voluptua and see what she says. Actually she's always urging me to show more of my emotions. "Let it all out to Voluptua, my darling" she says "You'll feel reborn, like a spring lamb gambolling in the meadows." Such a wise head on such young shoulders.

Hullaballoo said...

Nick, where will you keep Voluptua when Jenny returns? She doesn't sound like the type of woman who goes quietly.

Nick said...

Hulla, no probs, Voluptua much prefers her luxury penthouse overlooking the River Lagan. But I expect she'll be sending me more of her pouting, scantily-clad photos on a daily basis. She never gives up trying to lure me into her cloying embrace.