tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post5594750617043263931..comments2024-03-28T07:49:04.960+00:00Comments on nickhereandnow: Childlessnickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10472673041193755894noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-52865565007499531492014-09-27T08:01:53.172+01:002014-09-27T08:01:53.172+01:00Kylie: Fair enough, I accept all that.Kylie: Fair enough, I accept all that.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-31664892109263174902014-09-27T00:29:38.521+01:002014-09-27T00:29:38.521+01:00when i talked about the biological imperative to r...when i talked about the biological imperative to reproduce i was not implying that everyone feels it and i am pretty sure i actually said that. what i was saying was that biological drives, when they hit hard, are extremely powerful.<br /><br />everything biological is on a continuum including the drive to reproduce so for some people it is devastating to be infertile.<br /><br /> kyliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08964475783207438103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-87191493225516826112014-09-18T20:42:39.371+01:002014-09-18T20:42:39.371+01:00Liz: They certainly do. Which is why I love bloggi...Liz: They certainly do. Which is why I love blogging. I get so many thoughtful, informative and passionate comments that quite often change my opinions and help me understand other people's lives. And sometimes my amazing ignorance is exposed for all to see!Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-23864664818216685062014-09-18T18:09:16.416+01:002014-09-18T18:09:16.416+01:00Your posts certainly make people think, Nick.Your posts certainly make people think, Nick.Liz Hindshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04646532093872561703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-13173745660122350502014-09-17T21:42:17.068+01:002014-09-17T21:42:17.068+01:00Liz: I guess you have a very different perspective...Liz: I guess you have a very different perspective if you're a woman and capable of giving birth. I'm sorry about your lost child. I know miscarriages can be very traumatic.<br /><br />I think it's not so much insensitivity as ignorance. No woman (or man) I've known personally has ever revealed to me how distressed they were at their infertility. If I was more aware of such distress then of course I'd be sensitive to it.<br /><br />The comments on this post have certainly opened my eyes....Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-76003701027428027762014-09-17T20:23:11.494+01:002014-09-17T20:23:11.494+01:00Having read some of the previous comments I think ...Having read some of the previous comments I think primal is a key word but love has a lot to do with it as well. (I'm not saying that I've got more love than you!) <br /><br />We're all different. I still mourn for the child I lost when I was only 12 weeks pregnant yet others who've had miscarriages can shrug them off.<br /><br />And, let's face it, all I ever really wanted to be was a wife and mother! (Much to the horror of my young feminist friend.)Liz Hindshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04646532093872561703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-15625257806628913712014-09-17T20:14:17.542+01:002014-09-17T20:14:17.542+01:00Gosh, Nick, I'm afraid I have to agree with th...Gosh, Nick, I'm afraid I have to agree with the very first comment from Kylie! It is not like you to be so insensitive.<br />I am so incredibly thankful for my children and I cannot imagine the pain of not being able to have babies.<br />'... no more than disappointing or frustrating.' <br /><br />Oh no, Nick, so very much more. Liz Hindshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04646532093872561703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-4972520301908458762014-09-16T21:52:56.778+01:002014-09-16T21:52:56.778+01:00LadyLuz: Thanks for your comment. I'm always p...LadyLuz: Thanks for your comment. I'm always pleased when a lurker plucks up the courage to contribute! And don't mind all these argumentative so-and-sos. I'm glad you also don't understand the so-called biological imperative. I'm also impressed that you resisted the nagging and pressurising. I think some people give in to the nagging simply to put an end to it. To see people putting the same pressure on their own children must be quite galling.<br /><br />Indeed, how is not having a child selfish? You could argue that having a child for your own pleasure and fulfillment, in a world of scarce resources, is equally selfish.<br /><br />And yes, why then are so many children still waiting to be adopted?Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-22070304147717351912014-09-16T21:35:04.056+01:002014-09-16T21:35:04.056+01:00Kylie: It wasn't clear you were talking only a...Kylie: It wasn't clear you were talking only about biological destiny. In any case, if it's biological destiny, why do so many people have no urge whatever to have children? Are they biologically defective? Am I biologically defective? <br /><br />You made a very obvious implication. Plus the further implication that I'm biologically faulty.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-91831598954409413222014-09-16T20:47:42.245+01:002014-09-16T20:47:42.245+01:00I've been lurking around here for ages, rarely...I've been lurking around here for ages, rarely feeling moved to comment because of some of the provocative comments and argumentative behaviour of some of your followers. <br /><br />But I feel moved to write on this issue. I, too, cannot understand the obsessive urge to reproduce and the abject misery when a woman is unable to. I never felt it and do not understand the "biological imperative". Does that make me abnormal? No: I'm simply in the company of those who chose not to have children, despite nagging and pressurising from family.<br /><br />Now I'm seeing my contemporaries putting the same pressure on their children to produce grandchildren and making accusations about selfishness if decisions are made to be childless....and so it goes on.<br /><br />As somewhere said elsewhere, there are so many children hoping to be fostered or adopted into a loving home. If this biological imperative is to nurture, why are they still waiting?LadyLuzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01425624818859182752noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-70406829669509632912014-09-16T08:33:11.538+01:002014-09-16T08:33:11.538+01:00i was talking about BIOLOGICAL destiny, not social...i was talking about BIOLOGICAL destiny, not social stuff. the biological imperatives are very clear.<br /><br />and i made no implication about my own sensitivity or lack thereof. you are totally projectingkyliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08964475783207438103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-89103114127704970232014-09-16T08:01:59.632+01:002014-09-16T08:01:59.632+01:00Another thought occurs to me. If everyone's bu...Another thought occurs to me. If everyone's busy having children while the planet is steadily dying, what use is that? Perhaps our first priority should be to maintain a viable planet that can sustain human life.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-67815491563150576642014-09-15T22:38:25.912+01:002014-09-15T22:38:25.912+01:00Bijoux: I think my unhappy childhood has a lot to ...Bijoux: I think my unhappy childhood has a lot to do with it. I have no experience of a tender, loving parent-child relationship and I was afraid that if I had a child I would be a similarly inadequate parent. But at the end of the day I simply had no craving for children, primal or otherwise. Other things were more important to me. I have no idea what a "paternal instinct" feels like!Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-54342084334083392272014-09-15T22:28:36.761+01:002014-09-15T22:28:36.761+01:00Kylie: What I didn't like was the implication ...Kylie: What I didn't like was the implication that I'm crassly insensitive while you're sensitivity personified.<br /><br />I would strongly disagree that the only reason a living being exists is to reproduce. How about just exercising your natural talents, or enjoying yourself, or developing your physical strength and abilities, or any number of things? And it wasn't so long ago that women spent their whole lives reproducing. Surely that wasn't a desirable state of affairs? And what about those whose children have grown up and moved away? Are their lives now barren and empty?<br /><br />And how much of the urge to reproduce is natural and how much is fostered by the endless images of families and children in the media? Not to mention pressure from relatives and friends.<br /><br />I hesitate to say anything more about the alternatives to child-rearing, as I've already had my head bitten off on that one.<br /><br />And I repeat, I wasn't negating anyone's pain, only saying I don't understand it.<br /><br />I also believe people have the right to choose their reproductive destiny. As long as they're confident they'll be good parents and bring up their children to be responsible, happy, creative citizens.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-75498873898457588602014-09-15T21:59:13.472+01:002014-09-15T21:59:13.472+01:00Ursula: Well, you said you were "a woman poss...Ursula: Well, you said you were "a woman possessed" but "if it weren't to be it weren't to be". Which sounds like you somehow restrained yourself.<br /><br />So you've learnt a lot about me from this post? Nothing too shocking or off-putting, I hope....<br /><br />Jean: It seems like there was no great primal urge for you. I'm glad you're happy despite the lack of grandchildren.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-71047485910968112332014-09-15T21:49:41.100+01:002014-09-15T21:49:41.100+01:00Bikehikebabe: I guess simply losing the ability to...Bikehikebabe: I guess simply losing the ability to have children can be quite a sad experience.<br /><br />Keith: Interesting that in this case the very rational decision not to expose children to such a dreadful world overrode what others are calling a primal urge to give birth.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-36676202328149619382014-09-15T13:33:31.623+01:002014-09-15T13:33:31.623+01:00Nick, you have often referenced an unhappy childho...Nick, you have often referenced an unhappy childhood. Do you believe that is the reason for your lack of paternal instinct?Bijouxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05788630004051883635noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-67866129316941412072014-09-15T12:51:08.373+01:002014-09-15T12:51:08.373+01:00i guess you didnt like the brevity of my response ...i guess you didnt like the brevity of my response so let me enlarge:<br /><br />"To me, this seems like an oddly extreme reaction to something that should surely be no more than disappointing or frustrating. Can you not just accept the situation and find other things to do with your life? And surely a woman's identity shouldn't still be defined by whether she can reproduce or not? Or whether there's a toddler clutching at her?"<br /><br />reproduction is pretty much the reason any living being exists, biologically speaking. everything is about sustaining life until successful reproduction is achieved: for some species it is so clearly their mission that they die immediately after their role is complete. Not for a minute am i trying suggest that humanity is exactly like that but as a species parenthood remains the overwhelming mission, individuals or couples who seem not to be interested are an exception. <br /><br />For a large number of us the inability to have children frustrates our entire biological reason for being and there are no alternatives. If a woman doesnt get, say, the career she wants she might be disappointed but she can have a different career. If one cant have children there are no second chances, no suitable alternative options, it is a life sentence and sure, people can do other things but none of the other things a person might choose are the biological imperative, are they?<br />It would be akin to feeling hunger but never being able to eat.<br />This isnt about identity, or toddlers, its about something much more primal and in one paragraph you pretty much negated all the pain that every childless individual ever experienced, dismissing it as oddly extreme.<br /><br />I am not here to suggest that everyone *should* have children, or to poke holes in anybody's decision to have or not have children. I firmly believe that everyone has the right to choose their reproductive destiny without being expected to explain to anyone, ever but it is one thing to choose our reproductive destiny, quite another to have it thrust upon us.<br />kyliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08964475783207438103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-4175283137204777892014-09-15T09:27:37.267+01:002014-09-15T09:27:37.267+01:00I always wanted one child. Andy said two --- not ...I always wanted one child. Andy said two --- not a good idea to have an only child, so zero or two. I finally said, okay, zero, let's settle it and I can get on finding something else to do. We had one. <br /><br />I have two granddogs but no grandkids and I couldn't be more pleased.CheerfulMonkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00934008738777906970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-17621573259671519932014-09-15T03:29:00.356+01:002014-09-15T03:29:00.356+01:00I am baffled by your reply to my comment. Doesn...I am baffled by your reply to my comment. Doesn't make sense.<br /><br />"What prevented you from following your impulses, I wonder?", you ask. What do you mean 'prevent'? Nothing. Surely you must have gathered by now, as you read my blog, that I am the happy mother of a son (Angel by another name).<br /><br />My reference to John and his "brood" a lighthearted aside. <br /><br />Other than that I am touched by the heartfelt comments of your other readers.<br /><br />I have - possibly - learnt more about you within the context of this post and your replies than in the years gone before. Which - before you misunderstand - is not a criticism, just an observation.<br /><br />UUrsulahttp://bitchontheblog.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-47971245739429097062014-09-15T00:29:50.897+01:002014-09-15T00:29:50.897+01:00I am sad and disappointed at my daughter and son-i...I am sad and disappointed at my daughter and son-in-law who decided that they were not going to have any children, saying that they wouldn't bring children into this terrible world we live in now. <br /><br />She is 49 now, so it's too late to change her mind. <br /><br />I agreed with her at the time and told her that I wished I had decided not to have any children for the same reason!<br /><br />I miss not having grandchildren when I see my friends doting on their grandchildren, perhaps I'm broody?Robert Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13163819196303858927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-29624708058715778482014-09-14T23:58:38.704+01:002014-09-14T23:58:38.704+01:00As I was approaching the age when I wouldn't b...As I was approaching the age when I wouldn't be able to bear children, I was SAD. Even tho' I already had 4 & didn't want more. <br /><br />bikehikebabeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-46046162616717838472014-09-14T22:15:52.223+01:002014-09-14T22:15:52.223+01:00I really appreciate all these comments. They make ...I really appreciate all these comments. They make me very aware just how strong the urge for children can be, and how distressing it can be if that urge is thwarted.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-80235267532648860842014-09-14T22:10:40.824+01:002014-09-14T22:10:40.824+01:00Bikehikebabe: No, I couldn't care less if I...Bikehikebabe: No, I couldn't care less if I'm fertile or not! But of course if I had wanted children then my fertility would have mattered.<br /><br />Agent: I'm sure you're right, it's because I never wanted kids that I don't grasp the strength of feeling.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-77683493042186330652014-09-14T21:36:00.685+01:002014-09-14T21:36:00.685+01:00If I'm gonna use french, I gotta use it correc...If I'm gonna use french, I gotta use it correctly, n'est ce pas---instead of n'est pas? :)<br /><br />bikehikebabe --againAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com