Hormone havoc

I've never experienced anything resembling the male menopause, and I'm dubious about its existence. But some doctors claim that 20 per cent of men will suffer from it eventually.

Not surprisingly, that rather astonishing figure comes from a doctor who makes his living from treating menopausal (andropausal?) men. Other doctors suggest a much lower figure of 2 per cent.

Given that the symptoms (fatigue, scattiness, insomnia etc) are supposed to result from lack of testosterone, and given that men's testosterone levels keep falling after the age of 40, surely if there really was such a condition practically every ageing male would have it?

Also, given that women have virtually no testosterone, shouldn't they be even more incapacitated and barely able to function? Or do women's hormones work differently?

But one man, Dan Hegarty (a doctor himself) claims his life was falling apart. He was nodding off at work, he was unable to read the paper, his marriage was failing. After topping up his testosterone levels, he says he got a new lease of life and all the signs of physical decline were rapidly reversed.

Well, it's hard to argue with that miraculous recovery. But how come I've never gone through any such physical collapse and at the grand old age of 63 my body still seems to be functioning pretty efficiently?

Is my body mysteriously compensating for my depleted male hormones or was Dr Hegarty really suffering from some sort of psychological loss of confidence and inertia which then righted itself?

All I know is that some doctors seem to be making an impressive income from identifying the andropause and treating men who've succumbed to it. Did I catch a whiff of snake oil?
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A Northern Ireland man applying for a nursing post in Australia was told he had to take an English language test. After protests from the Australian Nurses Federation, the test was waived. So what language did they think was spoken here? Irish? Welsh? Swahili?

Follies of age

How embarrassing it must be for young women who get brazen advances from ageing males they find utterly unattractive.

I can't imagine why balding, pot-bellied, flabby, wrinkled old guys think they have some sort of appeal to women decades younger who naturally gravitate to lean young men of a similar age.

I wouldn't think for a second that my 62-year-old body is of any interest to a twenty-something female, yet how many times have I seen lecherous old goats pestering some nubile partygoer as if they were in with a chance.

And often of course they have wives or partners who've been witnessing their inappropriate approaches for many years - that is, if they haven't experienced it once too often and called it a day.

Film-makers fuel this syndrome by depicting the most unlikely matches between gorgeous young women and raddled Casanovas long past their prime. The women could clearly snag any number of handsome young charmers with a click of their fingers, yet miraculously they've fallen for the older guy. Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

Some put it down to the male menopause - ageing blokes who are suddenly nostalgic for their horny youth and try to recreate it with the office temp. I don't think it's that at all. I think they honestly believe they're still dynamite between the sheets and will leave any bedmate gasping for more. They cling stubbornly to this absurd delusion despite all evidence to the contrary.

It's excruciating watching some squirming victim trying desperately to get away and indicate her total lack of interest. Just what does a woman have to do to explain the obvious to Mr Never-Gives-Up?