tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post2348265439331349733..comments2024-03-28T07:49:04.960+00:00Comments on nickhereandnow: Tongue tiednickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10472673041193755894noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-76232214358577560742011-06-27T22:21:52.190+01:002011-06-27T22:21:52.190+01:00Liz - I notice several of you are agreed on that. ...Liz - I notice several of you are agreed on that. I guess you're right that whatever you say just washes over those who're grieving, so it doesn't really matter what it is (as long as it's not totally inane).Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-14242065396148740262011-06-27T19:11:09.813+01:002011-06-27T19:11:09.813+01:00I don't think you have to say anything. Just b...I don't think you have to say anything. Just being there says enough. <br /><br />Seeing people for the first time after a death is always difficult because you feel this need to say something but death is just crappy for everyone so there's nothing to say really.Liz Hindshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04646532093872561703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-52074985893146259302011-06-24T13:27:18.218+01:002011-06-24T13:27:18.218+01:00Herschelian - Hey, long time no see! A standard ph...Herschelian - Hey, long time no see! A standard phrase like that certainly avoids all the awkward hesitations. And if you want to say something more personal, presumably that's fine too.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-12773670272606636332011-06-24T09:47:18.995+01:002011-06-24T09:47:18.995+01:00At a Jewish funeral the custom is for mourners to ...At a Jewish funeral the custom is for mourners to say to each family member 'I wish you long life'. It makes it so much easier knowing exactly what you have to say. The whole event is very much structured and by just copying others you will be behaving appropriately.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-39881997022724383372011-06-23T21:54:05.835+01:002011-06-23T21:54:05.835+01:00Blackwater - I usually try to avoid saying anythin...Blackwater - I usually try to avoid saying anything, but the condolence queue rather excluded that option.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-37738674230203605112011-06-23T18:07:15.163+01:002011-06-23T18:07:15.163+01:00What Miss Scarlet or Speccy said.
But just being t...What Miss Scarlet or Speccy said.<br />But just being there is worthwhile even if you have nothing to say.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-88066394634459735822011-06-23T07:50:39.444+01:002011-06-23T07:50:39.444+01:00Secret Agent - Ah, I see. In that case, yes, a com...Secret Agent - Ah, I see. In that case, yes, a completely stupid comment to make. What was he thinking of?Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-31219263973502664512011-06-23T02:21:12.942+01:002011-06-23T02:21:12.942+01:00Except my brother was 23, healthy as a horse and d...Except my brother was 23, healthy as a horse and died in a drowning accident. There's no excusing away that sort of idiotic funeral comment.secret agent womanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03763879283931347382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-32623598829055425602011-06-22T20:34:51.053+01:002011-06-22T20:34:51.053+01:00Conor - Now I'll end up thinking of dimmer lig...Conor - Now I'll end up thinking of dimmer lights at the next funeral I go to....Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-16132497845347202532011-06-22T20:14:54.247+01:002011-06-22T20:14:54.247+01:00hehe I just LOVE WWW's front light experience ...hehe I just LOVE WWW's front light experience - I can picture it so well. Priceless!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-2408314102236869452011-06-22T14:11:08.289+01:002011-06-22T14:11:08.289+01:00Ursula - I've had a lot of really good advice ...Ursula - I've had a lot of really good advice here. That's helpful too, the idea that some sympathetic body language is all that's needed, words don't matter so much.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-91982320190930649282011-06-22T13:15:16.810+01:002011-06-22T13:15:16.810+01:00I totally agree with Grannymar's comment. A to...I totally agree with Grannymar's comment. A touch, a handshake, a look into the grieving's eye. An expression of our humanity. For once, just for once: NO words needed.<br /><br />As to Val's moving comment: She writes from that side of the fence that any of us dread having to climb over. And you will have to. Unless you trip up the ladder first.<br /><br />UUrsulanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-25641288288957210432011-06-20T08:02:43.334+01:002011-06-20T08:02:43.334+01:00Val - A lot of good advice there, thanks for that....Val - A lot of good advice there, thanks for that. Yes, imagining yourself in the relative's place and asking yourself what you would want from other people is a useful exercise.<br /><br />e - Sending a greeting a few months later is a good idea, to show you haven't forgotten them and are still aware of their loss.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-47348759066225175872011-06-20T01:39:30.704+01:002011-06-20T01:39:30.704+01:00I've lost parents, grands, cousins, friends an...I've lost parents, grands, cousins, friends and colleagues. While it never easy, showing up helps. So does sending a greeting to the grieving several months after the funeral.ehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11376645220662546020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-18264928187719077762011-06-20T00:08:43.904+01:002011-06-20T00:08:43.904+01:00Think of someone you absolutely love so much that ...Think of someone you absolutely love so much that you can't imagine ever being without them. Now imagine that suddenly they are gone, you will never see them again, they have vanished and actually you can't understand it (because when you lose someone really really close to you, that's what it feels like - it feels like something horrendously unnatural and something you just can't get your head around. One minute the person exists, the next they don't. Then when you've got that emotion going on, imagine people have suddenly appeared on the scene. bearing in mind that you're not tuned in to anything other than your loss, what would you like them to say to you? If you can think of that, then you can probably think of what to say to other people. The problem is that until you've lost someone close to you, it's impossible to understand the experience. Truly. <br /><br />I've lost all my grandparents and both my parents. <br /><br />What did I want people to say to me? I wanted them to say "I don't know what you're going through, and I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm still here for you." Unfortunately a lot of people are so embarrassed by another's loss that they go away too. Many friendships break after a death. In some ways, that's as sad as the original loss.Valhttp://absurdoldbird.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-39143012015500190312011-06-19T18:39:28.451+01:002011-06-19T18:39:28.451+01:00Ramana - Hadn't thought about that. Yes, I gue...Ramana - Hadn't thought about that. Yes, I guess body language can be a giveaway if your condolences are not genuine.<br /><br />Roses - Good idea about sending a card a couple of months later, when the immediate rush of sympathetic calls and visits has tailed off.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-81963418069464728482011-06-19T14:53:25.880+01:002011-06-19T14:53:25.880+01:00I've had my fair share of death and grief. I t...I've had my fair share of death and grief. I think Macy's right though, unless you do a complete gaff, the friends and rellies, won't remember.<br /><br />If you have the time, send a card a couple of months down the line and say how much you thought of the person who died and that you miss them (if it's true, obv).<br /><br />In my experience it's the months immediately after the funeral which are the hardest and frankly, that's when the grieving need the support.<br /><br />Of course it's hard dealing with someone's grief and sadness. And actually, I think it's fine to say 'look, I don't know whether this is wanted/needed/or appropriate, but I was thinking of [person] and I wanted you to know I was thinking of you too.'Roseshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07469442580348062913noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-1522113707723058632011-06-19T14:25:08.073+01:002011-06-19T14:25:08.073+01:00I guess that the body language should convey that ...I guess that the body language should convey that the grief is shared. I have also avoided going when I knew that it would be difficult to convey the emotion.Rummuserhttp://www.rummuser.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-15105318594628907342011-06-19T09:01:17.280+01:002011-06-19T09:01:17.280+01:00Cheerful Monk - This seems to be the general refra...Cheerful Monk - This seems to be the general refrain from commenters. I shall bear it in mind. I like the sympathy card gaffe. People just don't realise what they're saying until it's too late!<br /><br />Secret Agent - As I just said! Presumably he meant your brother had had a hard time and that was now over with, but that's not how it came across....<br /><br />Grannymar - Yes, I guess that's often enough.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-64725215709971091022011-06-18T23:28:08.613+01:002011-06-18T23:28:08.613+01:00Nick, it depends on the situation. Sometimes a to...Nick, it depends on the situation. Sometimes a touch on the arm or handshake is enough.Grannymarhttp://grannymar.com/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-9704630931577593482011-06-18T22:22:21.764+01:002011-06-18T22:22:21.764+01:00Definitely, "I'm very sorry for your loss...Definitely, "I'm very sorry for your loss" or just, "I'm so sorry." I remember an uncle saying to me at my brother's funeral, "It was for the best." I was too stunned to react, but I should have punched him.secret agent womanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03763879283931347382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-66344035987568794562011-06-18T22:09:24.789+01:002011-06-18T22:09:24.789+01:00A simple, "I'm so sorry" would proba...A simple, "I'm so sorry" would probably be enough. I have lost dear ones myself, and my favorite comment was after I returned home after the funeral. An acquaintance said, "I heard about your mother. I thought about sending you a sympathy card, but I didn't." That was good for a laugh.Cheerful Monkhttp://cheerfulmonk.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-47927722537522562752011-06-18T08:10:58.731+01:002011-06-18T08:10:58.731+01:00Myra - Very sorry about that. No, nothing in my sp...Myra - Very sorry about that. No, nothing in my spam box, must be another Blogger tantrum. Can you bear to write the comment again? I know you've had your share of grief as well.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-54191782654392901562011-06-18T08:08:17.627+01:002011-06-18T08:08:17.627+01:00Baino - Wakes in Ireland tend to be pretty wild oc...Baino - Wakes in Ireland tend to be pretty wild occasions too, and as you say people often disappear entirely until the next wake. I agree, offering support to those still alive is the important thing. Dealing with 300 people must have been pretty overwhelming.<br /><br />W3 - Indeed, "Sorry for your trouble" is what people here tend to say (trouble meaning death, of course, as in The Troubles). I love the surreal conversation about the dimmer switch.Nicknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3467242994126386706.post-70453111828610684182011-06-18T00:13:04.885+01:002011-06-18T00:13:04.885+01:00I left a comment here yesterday Nick. Is it in you...I left a comment here yesterday Nick. Is it in your spam?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com